Embers hidden in the ashes.

On September 26th I found out we were pregnant with our second baby. Needless to say we were more than excited after loosing our first little one, and going through 7 more months of infertility this was the light at the end of a very rough tunnel. The following Monday I started spotting and of course after loosing our little Bird I was panicked that we were loosing this this baby. My Dr. ran some HCG tests and 48 hours later my levels had tripled so he thought it was just implantation bleeding. Panic went away and we started enjoying the idea of a sweet little one joining our family. We talked names we made plans and everything was perfect. Life was finally feeling normal again after we lost Bird I was a mess I really didn't know how to move on I bottled up a lot of emotions because talking about it hurt to much and I felt like being sad all the time was worse. I felt like if I was sad people were judging me telling me I needed to get over it and move on. I had lost hope that things were going to get better. This baby was the ember burning in my fire that caught the flame I needed to keep going. Before I was loosing faith that my Father in Heaven was listening and that he loved me when he metaphorically took a tiny ember of hope and made my fire burn. I personally hate calling our little ones it or baby 1 and 2 hence why Bird became our nickname for our first and our second will always be our little Ember. This baby has given me the faith that I know my Father in Heaven is listening and he loves me. We only got to have our sweet Ember for a short time sadly a few days after our first apt we found out my HCG levels were dropping and my doctor confirmed my worst fear that we would be hurting and grieving again. I went through a lot of emotions upon finding out I was angry, sad, confused, and oddly enough peaceful. I knew this was going to be ok and I knew my Father in Heaven was holding me close and that this was going to be ok even when it hurt so bad. I wasn't bleeding so the doctor decided that doing a D&C was going to be the best option, especially because he was wanting to do some genetic testing to see if we could find some answers. We meet with him in a couple weeks to discus what our next option is since not only do we loose the babies, but it is really hard for us to get one here in the first place. I am extremely grateful that we have a doctor who is willing to be proactive and try and get us some answers. I know one day our family will be complete and we will all be together and for that I am extremely humbled. I am so blessed that my husband and I were sealed for time and all eternity so we can have our little family forever. 

Rollercoaster and waiting.....

Today has been one of the hardest days since our little bird left us... I have repressed a lot of feelings and I know that hasn't been healthy... To my friends and family who unfortunately followed us into the line to ride this crazy roller coaster I apologize you had no idea the ride you would go on when you came along... I am sorry for the moments you have felt unsure or uncomfortable... I know it can't be easy to know what to say or how to act.... But to be honest I never know what I need until I need it.... My heart has broken many times as I have watched my sweet sisters pregnancy progress... I love her dearly and I am doing my absolute best to support her sadly there are days my heart hurts to much and I break... My dear husband has been a rock the days I can't stop the hyperventilating sobbing he's always right there to hold me and tell me we have this.... After we lost our little bird our doctors were confident we would conceive shortly after without infertility drugs.... They were wrong... After a long and painful summer we were able to start a new round of infertility drugs.... Thankfully the timing helped ease my heart.... I was called to the primary presidency and I won't lie when I was called I starting crying and couldn't even accept my biggest fear has been primary infertility/miscarriage and primary don't mix well for me... Church has been hard enough talking about family rips my heart out so talking about family with children something I long for so badly didn't seem fun at all.... I accepted knowing I would be blessed for doing what my Heavenly Father wanted.... Thankfully the following week we were able to start the process with our infertility drugs.... It has helped me knowing we are working towards something.... But on the flip side the closer we get to our due date the more I hurt.... I realized that this was the last cycle we would be able to do before our due date and my heart aches because not only am I really hoping we have happy news before then.... But also because it made me realize in six weeks we should have been bring home our little bird.... I used to think the hardest part about infertility was the waiting take clomed for 4 days wait til day 12 to see if you have follicles... Take a second dose cause your follicles aren't growing wait another 7 days to check growth they grew but we're not out of the woods yet.... Trigger shot wait to see if the trigger shot worked 3 more days.... It worked... Wait three weeks to see if you got pregnant, because it you test to early the hcg from the trigger shot my still be in your system.... Finally 6 weeks later you know and if you aren't you get to start all over again.... My cycle has been the most frustrating I wish it could be a simple 4 week no drug process.... But that's not in my cards.... Even tho this is the most painful waiting period it still isn't the worst part of infertility the worst part is how hard it is on everyone around you.... It becomes different your friends and family are terrified to ask you how you are doing... Or if the treatments are working... And in turn since they don't know if they should ask or not you hurt and feel like they don't care.... If they ask you are hurt... No matter what they do you still hurt and nothing can fix it... You hurt every time something happy happens because you haven't had time to heal... I keep telling myself I will feel a little better once we get past our due date.... And from then on it will go up right.... I really don't know if it will get better or if I will just learn to accept the hurt and wear my mask of a smile... Because even when we get pregnant again and have a little one in our arms I am still going to hurt maybe a little less but it will be there every Oct. 7th I will remember my sweet bird..... So dear friends and family please hang in there with me if I am not the happiest... Don't hesitate to ask if I am ok because I hurt if you ask and I hurt if you don't.... Sorry if I don't call and I am distant but sometimes I just need to cry and not feel like I am crazy.... Thanks for following us on to this crazy roller coaster and staying on even when you want nothing more than to get off.... 

Love you all..... 

Gratitude

Last night I had the opportunity to hang out with two of my favorite moms.... These women are such amazing examples to me they are so strong and loving and I never see them complain for one second about the trials that come with being a mom. For that I am extremely grateful... I have had a really rough last six weeks I do ok for a day or two and then I have a melt down.... These melt downs are usually triggered by seeing a mother with her child born or unborn and the love I see between them that I long for or seeing/hearing a mother complain about their child.... I am so grateful for my sweet friends that are mothers who never complain about the tasks and trials that come with being a mom I know it is a challenge and not always easy and I give you props for never saying anything negative about the sweet children you are blessed with.... As some of you know my sweet sister is a week ahead of where my pregnancy would have been and this has been a challenge at times but she has been such a huge rock in my life I know she has been so exhausted having two older children who run her ragged and I know she hasn't felt the best, but not once have I heard my loving sister complain about the little blessing she is carrying... I have recently seen/heard so many pregnant women composing about different things in their pregnancy heartburn, nausea, exhaustion, sex of the baby, mood swings,  stretch marks, being uncomfortable, and unfortunately even complaing about not wanting the baby and the inconvince of having a baby at this time... I would gladly take any of these women's places I will gladly take every ache pain and misery and I will be thrilled and happy about every single one of them... When you've gone through infertility/a miscarriage your heart breaks every time you hear someone is pregnant and then when you hear one of them complain it is like the knife that was stabbed into your heart when you heard they were pregnant is pulled out and they dump a ton of salt on that fresh wound... I just want to thank all my sweet friends moms/pregnant moms who are my rocks and never complain about the blessing and joy of their children even when it is trying... I know there are times everyone breaks down and needs to complain about life I know I am guilty of this but I am trying to change this because the things I am complaing about someone else out there is longing for that very thing I am complaining about and I need to be grateful for those blessings and show my gratitude for the blessings in my life... I struggle every day with the miscarriage of our child and I know many others who have struggled with the loss of a baby at any given age from conception to a grown child... Loosing a child no matter what age is the hardest thing a mother has to face with her children... I am grateful for the strength I have found with my Heavenly Father during these difficult times... And the love and support my friends and family have shown me... And the amazing mothers I have the opportunity to have in my life... Remember no matter what the trial you are facing  wether it be a small home and wanting a larger one, trials in your relationship/marriage, your job, your kids, there is somebody out there who wants a home no matter the size so they aren't sleeping out in the cold homeless, somebody who wishes they had a significant other to share their life with, somebody who wishes they could find work no matter what the job, and somebody who has cried countless tears to hear the words momma or dadda come out of your sweet child's mouth... We need more positivity in the world so I am going to start with me and work on complaing about the things I am taking for granted.... Love you all.... 

Little Bird

So many things have happened in our busy lives.... I never get around to posting but we had an event come up that I needed to write my feelings about and share with those we hold dear.... On jan. 28th 2015 I took a pregnancy test and got the first positive I have ever gotten... Excited and curious I took two more all positive.... I was thrilled I was finally going to have baby years of wanting trying and praying I was going to have a little one..... My sweet nieces had spent the night and my little princess onna was with me when I got the amazing positive test... I was jumping for joy and so was she not even knowing why.... She finally stopped and asked what happened and I said I'm going to have a baby!!!! She froze and yelled your going to be a mommy! My heart burst in that moment I was overwhelmed with joy.... I called Cole and told him our exciting news... He was very happy knowing he was a dad to our sweet little one.... I went to Utah with my mom and sister that day and couldn't help but buy a little outfit I was to excited to hold it in.... I got home that night and showed Cole and he could tell I was bursting at the seems and he said are you sure you want to tell everyone before we know it will all be ok? The thought came to me at that moment this is our baby no matter what happens and I want to celebrate the life of our little one and of we loose our sweet little one its not the end and we will have that chance to hold and love this sweet baby either here on earth or in the next life... So we told or family and close friends life was great we couldn't have had more love and happiness from everyone..... February 8th I went to church and came home and there were some complications... We rushed to the er and they took some blood and tested my hcg levels and did an ultrasound... They saw the sac where my sweet baby would grown for the next 34 weeks but couldn't see much more since I was only 6 weeks along.... We left with a heavy cloud of this could be normal this could be signs of a threatened miscarriage.... On February 10th we want back in for my hcg levels to be tested again... On February 11th the dr called with my new hcg levels... They had dropped  and my sweet baby had passed away.... My little one was still there lifeless and inside me.... I couldnt feel my baby yet but I felt a rock where it was knowing my little ones body was still with me but its spirit was back with my father in heaven..... I made an apt with my dr to find out what we needed to do next... We went to the apt and he did an ultrasound again during this one tho he took his time and showed us the sac where the baby was.... Seeing this and knowing my little one had left its sweet little body and was no longer there helped heal my heart my baby was apart of me and I know that my baby was needed much more in heaven than my sweet little one was ever needed here... I know my baby's spirit is a choice spirit who had more strength and knowledge than I do... My sweet little one learned the meaning of all of this in the little time it was here on earth.... Oh how I wish I had that strong of a testimony to not need to go through the countless ups and downs I do to learn the lessons I need to learn in this life... What an example you are to me my little one that you did what mommy couldn't that you had such a strong spirit and testimony to only need to receive your body and hurry home to help the lord on the other side... I am sad and I will always have my moments but I know this is not the end it is the beginning.... My baby is waiting for me to get to the other side to be reunited again.... I am so grateful for the sealing power and the knowledge I have that my baby is part of an amazing covenant that families are together forever.... Science has proven a babies heart starts to beat at 5 weeks and that means there is life.... My little one may have only been with us for 6 short weeks but will always be my  baby and my love will not be any less for this little one because I only held it on the inside. After I found out my baby was no longer alive I had my rough moments as any would but I found peace, I was in my little sisters room and there is a rocker there and I sat down at that moment and rocked and rocked and the thought came to me that this will be the only time I get to hold and rock my little one.... I know there is a reason this had to happen even though I dont understand why.... I hope one day I will even though knowing will never take away all the pain.... My love for this little one is just as big as my love will be for any other children I will be blessed with..... I was so excited after I found out we were going to have a baby I couldn't help but look for names.... I wanted a name that meant something so I looked up names by meaning and I found the name bird and its meaning was strong.... Since we didn't name our little one every time I think of this little one I think of that name mainly cause my little one is strong.... Thank you for all the love and support we have had we are so blessed to have such amazing family and friends.... I love you all....