Rollercoaster and waiting.....

Today has been one of the hardest days since our little bird left us... I have repressed a lot of feelings and I know that hasn't been healthy... To my friends and family who unfortunately followed us into the line to ride this crazy roller coaster I apologize you had no idea the ride you would go on when you came along... I am sorry for the moments you have felt unsure or uncomfortable... I know it can't be easy to know what to say or how to act.... But to be honest I never know what I need until I need it.... My heart has broken many times as I have watched my sweet sisters pregnancy progress... I love her dearly and I am doing my absolute best to support her sadly there are days my heart hurts to much and I break... My dear husband has been a rock the days I can't stop the hyperventilating sobbing he's always right there to hold me and tell me we have this.... After we lost our little bird our doctors were confident we would conceive shortly after without infertility drugs.... They were wrong... After a long and painful summer we were able to start a new round of infertility drugs.... Thankfully the timing helped ease my heart.... I was called to the primary presidency and I won't lie when I was called I starting crying and couldn't even accept my biggest fear has been primary infertility/miscarriage and primary don't mix well for me... Church has been hard enough talking about family rips my heart out so talking about family with children something I long for so badly didn't seem fun at all.... I accepted knowing I would be blessed for doing what my Heavenly Father wanted.... Thankfully the following week we were able to start the process with our infertility drugs.... It has helped me knowing we are working towards something.... But on the flip side the closer we get to our due date the more I hurt.... I realized that this was the last cycle we would be able to do before our due date and my heart aches because not only am I really hoping we have happy news before then.... But also because it made me realize in six weeks we should have been bring home our little bird.... I used to think the hardest part about infertility was the waiting take clomed for 4 days wait til day 12 to see if you have follicles... Take a second dose cause your follicles aren't growing wait another 7 days to check growth they grew but we're not out of the woods yet.... Trigger shot wait to see if the trigger shot worked 3 more days.... It worked... Wait three weeks to see if you got pregnant, because it you test to early the hcg from the trigger shot my still be in your system.... Finally 6 weeks later you know and if you aren't you get to start all over again.... My cycle has been the most frustrating I wish it could be a simple 4 week no drug process.... But that's not in my cards.... Even tho this is the most painful waiting period it still isn't the worst part of infertility the worst part is how hard it is on everyone around you.... It becomes different your friends and family are terrified to ask you how you are doing... Or if the treatments are working... And in turn since they don't know if they should ask or not you hurt and feel like they don't care.... If they ask you are hurt... No matter what they do you still hurt and nothing can fix it... You hurt every time something happy happens because you haven't had time to heal... I keep telling myself I will feel a little better once we get past our due date.... And from then on it will go up right.... I really don't know if it will get better or if I will just learn to accept the hurt and wear my mask of a smile... Because even when we get pregnant again and have a little one in our arms I am still going to hurt maybe a little less but it will be there every Oct. 7th I will remember my sweet bird..... So dear friends and family please hang in there with me if I am not the happiest... Don't hesitate to ask if I am ok because I hurt if you ask and I hurt if you don't.... Sorry if I don't call and I am distant but sometimes I just need to cry and not feel like I am crazy.... Thanks for following us on to this crazy roller coaster and staying on even when you want nothing more than to get off.... 

Love you all.....