Be the Light in the World

Things have been so crazy in our small little world as the year has come to and end, but I have needed to update for awhile now and I just haven’t known how or what to say... Shortly after my body recovered from the blighted ovum we decided to do a second transfer with one of our frozen embryos we transferred our best frozen embryo out of the 7 we had left on October 24th and I left for Canada that afternoon! This was going to be perfect we used a perfect embryo and I was taking a 5 day vacation perfect timing for this little embryo to implant and start life... Of course as we all know nothing goes the way I plan... I was exhausted the whole trip I literally drove for 15 minutes of the 30 hour round trip drive... (thank you sisters and Brady for being such troupers and driving for me) Although I was exhausted Canada didn’t disappoint it was so beautiful up in Banff and I would go back in a heartbeat! I enjoyed much needed time with my sisters and kept my mind off the dreaded two week wait... After arriving home I expected to start getting symptoms and nothing started... Now with both my babies and my blighted ovum I had early signs that I knew they were there so I wasn’t getting my hopes up because there was no sign that I should... I went in for my blood test after the two week wait and no surprise it was negative so I waited to start our next cycle... On day two of the third cycle I went in to have my check to make sure everything was a go and unfortunately we got bad news that I had a cyst on my ovary and my estrogen levels were too high to transfer... When they called to let me know we would not be able to transfer again until the cyst went away my heart sank and the flood of tears began... Bless my poor father who called moments after the nurse had let me know this information as his crying daughter answered the phone he could hear the distress in my voice... The poor man wanted a haircut and instead he got a daughter crying angrily into the phone... He handled it like a champ and loved me through it... He reminded me that maybe we need to fast and pray for some love and support not only for when we transfer but also during the grief and hard times that our Father in Heaven will comfort and help us along the way all we have to do is ask... I tend to struggle with asking others for help even my Father in Heaven and he is someone who will never say no when I ask for help... I went home that night and I remembered getting down on my knees and I just cried about how unfair things had been not only had we suffered two hard losses but we had been through so many set backs in the 4 years of trying to grow our family all to come back with one more set back that there was no set time for it to end... I remember pleading with my Father in Heaven to help me feel the peace I needed to overcome this trial during a time of year where I struggle so much and most of all I remember not feeling an instant peace that I tend to think I should get because I want that and nothing more... I wasn’t angry, sad, happy, or anything really I was numb... I struggled for the next couple weeks as others were getting in the holiday spirit and I was feeling lost... I remember one night breaking down to Cole about why this time of year is unfair... I told him how I struggle because we should have our little Bird and Ember to shop for and start traditions with and they aren’t here and we aren’t expecting so my heart isn’t as happy and full like it should be... I struggle because I love my Savior so much but the pain that comes with hearing the Christmas stories about his birth break my heart because I long to be in the shoes his sweet mother Mary was in as she welcomed him into this earth... The first Christmas after we lost Bird and Ember I was asked to sing in church and I sang a song called First Lullaby/Silent night by Hilary Weeks and as I got to the part that says “Round yon virgin mother and child” my voice cracked and I started to cry because my heart broke as the image of Mary holding her newborn entered my mind... Thankfully I recovered and finished my song, but everyone in the ward just thought I was touched by the spirit as I sang such a spiritual song... They didn’t know the tears were flowing because my heart was breaking... Here we are two Christmases later and my heart is still breaking missing my sweet babes and longing for the ones we will hopefully get to have some day... Since that Christmas I have struggled with getting in the spirit, but this year with so many things not going as planned I have even more... I feel things slipping away as it has been two years since we lost Ember and almost three since we lost Bird... Sometime I feel like the poor mother in the movie “The Forgotten”... A dear friend said it perfectly to me as we talked about our sweet babes that we need to see strong “evidence” of our babies... She also sent me the worlds most cherished gift of two ornaments with Bird and Embers names on them, this sweet package came after so many tears had been shed and I felt myself feeling so dark because at times I do feel like I am the only one who connected with them and remembers they were here... I thank this sweet momma so much for remembering them and helping me remember that others love and remember them as well... I also thank her for helping me this was a changing point in my holiday spirit and her small gesture helped pull me out of the darkness and remember the light that comes with the season... I may not be able to focus on the birth of Christ without tears, but I can focus on the life of Christ and the light the world campaign and strive to live my life more like he did... As Christmas approaches this weekend please be mindful of those who are suffering and love them extra hard as Christ would... Pray for them, love them, and most of all don’t judge them if they are sad.... Instead sit with them, hold them, and allow them to feel through things the way they need too.... Christ mourned with those who mourned, and is a great example that we should do the same... I hope you all find peace this holiday and know our Savior is there for you he atoned not only for our sins, but our trials too he knows the pain we feel and he will help us through.... Happy Holidays everyone love you all and please be safe! 

We thought it was forever, but we learned it wasn't now

I have been MIA from social media the last little bit and I am sorry.... We have had so much going on and I feel it is now time to finally fill everybody else in... On June 23rd we were able to start our first round of IVF... I am so grateful for those who have helped support us and help us get to this point, your kindness, love, and prayers has been felt every step of the way! We went into this crazy processes with a lot of unknowns, but I knew if we turned it to God things would go exactly the way our little family needed them too... I was worried about all the hormones and my blood clotting disorder, but our doctors took precautions and the stimulation process went flawlessly. We had been warned the whole time most likely I would hyperstem due to my PCOS... On July 8th they retrieved 15 eggs which was a beautiful amount not to many not to little... a few days later they called to let us know 13 of the 15 had fertilized and because I had no signs of hypersteming we would proceed with a day 5 transfer... On July 13th we went down and got the report of our embryos we only had one ready for a transfer out of the 13 so we transferred number 6 and prayed that some would be ready to freeze the next day (it would be the last day they could be ready before not being able to be frozen).... Watching the miracle of our little sixlet being transferred was amazing the embryos are so tiny and they can survive amazing things... I started more shots l, got more bruises, and added to the hot flashes, but I knew it would be worth it.... The next day many prayers were answered we had 7 embryos ready to freeze... I seriously felt like nothing couldn't happen I was on top of the world! We had 1 little embryo waiting to implant and 7 frozen, what more could we ask for! During the next 3 weeks we prayed more and waited... I broke down and took a test the night before we did a blood test to see if we were pregnant... I got a very faint positive and thought it was an evaporating line... So I took 4 more the next day! All said pregnant... With our history I was scared everything about our cycle went flawlessly, there was no way it worked the first transfer to... I went down to my dr apt supper nervous that some how I had 5 false positives... I got my blood test back and they were positive for pregnancy, but lower than our dr wanted to see them... My heart sank... We were right back to where we were two years ago pregnant but with the cloud of for how long over our heads... Two days later retested and my levels had more than doubled... This went on for a week and then we did our first ultrasound... There was a perfect little sac and my levels were double every two days... There was hope! We had a week of waiting before we could see any details or hear a heartbeat so we went back to the waiting game, but with a little more hope this might all work out and this might be ok... We were out of town for the next week for work for me and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time I was with my friends who have helped me fight the last two years and surrounded me with love, hope, and belief! We talked about my pregnancy and I felt the sincerity of each of their love and prayers! I decided to not worry about the things I couldn't change and to live in the moment... We got home early Thursday morning and had a doctors appointment that afternoon... Before I went on for my ultrasound I said a silent prayer that I would have peace and feel my Father in Heavens love... As soon as my doctor found the sac I knew what was going on... The perfect round sac was completely empty... Having lost two before and knowing what a sac with a tiny little baby in it looked like, I knew there was no baby here, there wasn't a yoke sac to nourish a fetus and there was no tiny gummy bear inside that perfect circle... Over this process my dr and nurse have become close with us and I heard the sadness in his voice as he said I am sorry.... I told him it wasn't his fault and I had peace! I had comfort that this was all for a reason... I honestly can't tell you why, I know with Bird and Ember they needed to receive a body and that was it... I remember seeing them on the ultrasounds laying still in a not so perfectly round sac and knowing they had a bigger plan than I could see, but as I saw this empty sac and felt peace I couldn't explain, I couldn't tell you why this had to happen when with B&E I can without doubt... As I have plundered today I honestly think my Father in Heaven wants to test my obedience and faith... I was angry when we found out my levels were low and we might loose the baby I wanted to turn from him, but I knew that wasn't the answer... I feel as if he is trying me to see if I trust him... At first I didn't, but the peace I felt as I saw what was my dreams slipping away confirmed to me that he has me he is holding me through this trail until I can walk on my own again... The tears came tonight as I sat in my room alone and listened to the quiet and I decided it was time to share with all of you why I have been MIA... The next few weeks are going to be hard they are going to be a test of my emotions as we wait for my HCG to go for 7926 to 0... We will have a process of healing and letting my body get back to where it needs to be before we can start over with a frozen transfer... I am taking this time as an opportunity to focus on myself and what I need! I am going to take this as an opportunity to cleanse my body and prepare for our next opportunity to try to grow our family... When our doctor explained to us what was going on I was grateful to not feel anger, I was grateful that when he told us a blighted ovum can take time to pass naturally, that I could see that this was an opportunity instead of seeing this as a set back... I honestly couldn't have told you two years ago I was grateful for my trails, but today I can say that even though they are hard that I am grateful for the trails I have been given and that I have grown closer to my Father in Heaven and I have an awesome support system that has helped through some of my darkest times! We are not giving up hope this was a bump we had to go over not a mountain... I know this is part of something bigger than us and we have the faith that this trial will not define us! Please know that we feel your prayers and we appreciate them and I haven't forgotten the love and support all of you have given us! If you are hurting know you are not alone there is a tribe of warriors out there who love you and are fighting with you! I am so blessed that I have found mine and guess what they take in anyone and love them fiercely, reach out if you need! I hope all is well with each of you and I love you! 

5 Stages of Grief

We were driving home one night and the song let it go came on and I know how silly it will sound that it resonated with me... my silly husband often sings this song when I am mad and it normally makes me even more frustrated when he sings it, but tonight as it played in the car I had a different feeling! As I listen to the words I thought of our journey and everything we have been through and I realized that it is ok to embrace who you are and let go of the mask we all put on for others... Over the last two months I have been hurt by things out of my control... I have learned people are curl and they love to take stabs at others to make themselves feel better... I often find myself hiding behind a mask after I have been hurt and I am not true to myself, I shutdown and I protect myself by putting on a mask that I am ok... listening to the silly lyrics of a Disney song though I realized I need to let it go and throw away the mask I hide behind when I am hurt... It is ok to show my pain and hurt and it is ok to go through the stages of grief when things happen that are out of our hands... I started coping with things through sewing almost a year ago and it is amazing the therapy it has been for me to wrap others little ones in something I have made with such love and a lot of time tears knowing what I long for and have yet to have! I am so grateful for those who have supported our journey we have been so blessed... I hope each family that has received a Little Helm truly knows the love and emotion behind each stitch... I genuinely plan every stitch out every item from our Bird line has little bird feet stitched around the edges reminding me my little B is walking right beside me loving me as I go through this journey that feels never ending! Every piece from our Ember line is stitched with little mountains around the edges which represents our love for the outdoors and the many fires we have in the summer that reminded me that Em is the last bit of fire burning giving us hope and the strength to keep pushing forward... This journey has been exhausting but so rewarding at the same time... I have stumbled, but each time I come back stronger remembering the greater plan here... I have learned to be at peace during this process that there are things bigger than me and I have the ability to change only what is on me and leave the rest up to my loving Heavenly Father... I have learned it is ok to be in denial, at times I am in denial and I convince myself we are ok not having a family and other times I am denying that anything is wrong and both feelings are ok to express... I have learned it is ok be angry to yell and scream and ask why! It is ok to be mad when I don't agree with the doctor, it is ok to be angry when my body doesn't work the way it is supposed to... I have learned that sometimes I need to feel like I can bargain with my Father in Heaven even if it gets me nowhere it helps me to communicate with him. I feel like I am being heard if I at least get my say in what I want... I have embraced my ugly cry, yes that's a thing! I defiantly used to try to just hold it in and put that mask on to hid the pain now I just let it go.... I honestly needed to let the floodgates open and get all my pent up emotions out! That being said I have learned that it is ok to feel blue and be depressed and have time to hide away and process your emotions. It is even ok to veg out and watch movies all day... But most importantly I have learned acceptance I have learned all these stages are important and are needed, but eventually you have to come to the conclusion to let it go and accept what is to come... Please don't think this is my way of saying we are done because we aren't... We will keep trying and fighting for what we want... I am simply saying it is ok to cycle through the emotions I matter your trial and it is ok to not relax when people tell you oh just relax it will happen because every cycle we need to process what is happening and these stages are the normal way to get through hard things!   I have accepted that we are going to have to pay big bucks for us to have a family, I have accepted that we will have to wait longer than most couples, i have accepted that I may not always agree with my doctors, I have accepted that my body may not always work the way it should, I have accepted that others are going to have a family before me, I have accepted that this is hard, I have accepted people will say things they shouldn't, I have accepted that I can't save every child in a bad situation, and I have accepted I may have to grieve the loss of another child when we get pregnant again... Acceptance doesn't mean it gets easier or better I just means you know that it is how it is and it isn't in your hands to change it! I have also accepted that I am loved more than I can imagine by an amazing husband, an awesome family, and a very loving and forgiving Father in Heaven... I am letting it go and not hiding behind my mask because it is ok to not be perfect! 

There is no foot too small that is cannot leave an imprint on the world.....

I have started this blog a few times and I haven't been able to get anywhere with it.... My heart has been heavy as we have approached our two year mark..... Two years ago earlier this week we found out our little Bird wasn't going to be joining our family on this earth... It took my body a few days after we found out the baby had passed for my body to let go. I stayed home while Cole had some work out of town. My sweet sister came over and stayed with me waiting for the inevitable to happen.... Two years ago today I held my first baby in my hands, Bird's tiny little body had just started to form you could see a little head and two tiny little arms, little buds where the legs where forming and a tiny little tail where the spine would have eventually finish forming... I remember thinking how amazing it was that we start so small and develop to where we are. I remember being heart broken that Bird would never grow past this tiny little body on this earth.... I am so grateful that I was able to see Bird with my own eyes and know the reality of this baby was here and that I held my little one at least one time in my arms... I am grateful that I was able to naturally miscarry so that I could have that moment. I am grateful that my sister was there to hold me when my sweet husband couldn't be....  this journey has been a long hard one and we are still fighting for a family here on this earth....I overheard a mother at church the other day say that if she didn't have kids she would be skinny, have money and a clean house I smiled and cried  at the same time because no she wouldn't her money would be invested in exhausting all options to have a child of her own and her house would go by the way side as she had days where she stayed in bed crying in so much pain waiting for the day her arms would be full. She wouldn't necessarily be skinny because I fight like heck to loose the weight I gained with each miscarriage and fertility hormones... I know we all go through our own set of trials but we need to remember not to make light of things that may be breaking someone else. When I am hurting I often think of the song written by Charles Chapplin 

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Things in life aren't easy no matter where you are at... Trials will most likely keep coming and heartache is bound to happen, but I know each of us has the strength to get up and keep going.... I loved the lesson in church on Sunday it was about finding gratitude in all things I am grateful for the small reminders that things will be ok the hard parts will end and there will be joy we just have to look for it! When I look back on how painful loosing Bird was I am grateful that I got to hold my little one in my arms at least once.... A lot of moms who loose their babies as early as I did never get the opportunity to see their tiny little bodies, I wouldn't trade that for anything! The longer it has been the more I see the small things that make me feel more gratitude for everything we have been through... I am grateful that I have such amazing friends and family supporting me through all the good and the bad! I am so blessed to have the husband I do standing beside me and working hard with me to reach our end goal of having a family here on earth! Thanks for all your love and kind words! 

XoXo Kenz