Friday, August 11, 2017

We thought it was forever, but we learned it wasn't now

I have been MIA from social media the last little bit and I am sorry.... We have had so much going on and I feel it is now time to finally fill everybody else in... On June 23rd we were able to start our first round of IVF... I am so grateful for those who have helped support us and help us get to this point, your kindness, love, and prayers has been felt every step of the way! We went into this crazy processes with a lot of unknowns, but I knew if we turned it to God things would go exactly the way our little family needed them too... I was worried about all the hormones and my blood clotting disorder, but our doctors took precautions and the stimulation process went flawlessly. We had been warned the whole time most likely I would hyperstem due to my PCOS... On July 8th they retrieved 15 eggs which was a beautiful amount not to many not to little... a few days later they called to let us know 13 of the 15 had fertilized and because I had no signs of hypersteming we would proceed with a day 5 transfer... On July 13th we went down and got the report of our embryos we only had one ready for a transfer out of the 13 so we transferred number 6 and prayed that some would be ready to freeze the next day (it would be the last day they could be ready before not being able to be frozen).... Watching the miracle of our little sixlet being transferred was amazing the embryos are so tiny and they can survive amazing things... I started more shots l, got more bruises, and added to the hot flashes, but I knew it would be worth it.... The next day many prayers were answered we had 7 embryos ready to freeze... I seriously felt like nothing couldn't happen I was on top of the world! We had 1 little embryo waiting to implant and 7 frozen, what more could we ask for! During the next 3 weeks we prayed more and waited... I broke down and took a test the night before we did a blood test to see if we were pregnant... I got a very faint positive and thought it was an evaporating line... So I took 4 more the next day! All said pregnant... With our history I was scared everything about our cycle went flawlessly, there was no way it worked the first transfer to... I went down to my dr apt supper nervous that some how I had 5 false positives... I got my blood test back and they were positive for pregnancy, but lower than our dr wanted to see them... My heart sank... We were right back to where we were two years ago pregnant but with the cloud of for how long over our heads... Two days later retested and my levels had more than doubled... This went on for a week and then we did our first ultrasound... There was a perfect little sac and my levels were double every two days... There was hope! We had a week of waiting before we could see any details or hear a heartbeat so we went back to the waiting game, but with a little more hope this might all work out and this might be ok... We were out of town for the next week for work for me and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time I was with my friends who have helped me fight the last two years and surrounded me with love, hope, and belief! We talked about my pregnancy and I felt the sincerity of each of their love and prayers! I decided to not worry about the things I couldn't change and to live in the moment... We got home early Thursday morning and had a doctors appointment that afternoon... Before I went on for my ultrasound I said a silent prayer that I would have peace and feel my Father in Heavens love... As soon as my doctor found the sac I knew what was going on... The perfect round sac was completely empty... Having lost two before and knowing what a sac with a tiny little baby in it looked like, I knew there was no baby here, there wasn't a yoke sac to nourish a fetus and there was no tiny gummy bear inside that perfect circle... Over this process my dr and nurse have become close with us and I heard the sadness in his voice as he said I am sorry.... I told him it wasn't his fault and I had peace! I had comfort that this was all for a reason... I honestly can't tell you why, I know with Bird and Ember they needed to receive a body and that was it... I remember seeing them on the ultrasounds laying still in a not so perfectly round sac and knowing they had a bigger plan than I could see, but as I saw this empty sac and felt peace I couldn't explain, I couldn't tell you why this had to happen when with B&E I can without doubt... As I have plundered today I honestly think my Father in Heaven wants to test my obedience and faith... I was angry when we found out my levels were low and we might loose the baby I wanted to turn from him, but I knew that wasn't the answer... I feel as if he is trying me to see if I trust him... At first I didn't, but the peace I felt as I saw what was my dreams slipping away confirmed to me that he has me he is holding me through this trail until I can walk on my own again... The tears came tonight as I sat in my room alone and listened to the quiet and I decided it was time to share with all of you why I have been MIA... The next few weeks are going to be hard they are going to be a test of my emotions as we wait for my HCG to go for 7926 to 0... We will have a process of healing and letting my body get back to where it needs to be before we can start over with a frozen transfer... I am taking this time as an opportunity to focus on myself and what I need! I am going to take this as an opportunity to cleanse my body and prepare for our next opportunity to try to grow our family... When our doctor explained to us what was going on I was grateful to not feel anger, I was grateful that when he told us a blighted ovum can take time to pass naturally, that I could see that this was an opportunity instead of seeing this as a set back... I honestly couldn't have told you two years ago I was grateful for my trails, but today I can say that even though they are hard that I am grateful for the trails I have been given and that I have grown closer to my Father in Heaven and I have an awesome support system that has helped through some of my darkest times! We are not giving up hope this was a bump we had to go over not a mountain... I know this is part of something bigger than us and we have the faith that this trial will not define us! Please know that we feel your prayers and we appreciate them and I haven't forgotten the love and support all of you have given us! If you are hurting know you are not alone there is a tribe of warriors out there who love you and are fighting with you! I am so blessed that I have found mine and guess what they take in anyone and love them fiercely, reach out if you need! I hope all is well with each of you and I love you! 

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