Little Bird

So many things have happened in our busy lives.... I never get around to posting but we had an event come up that I needed to write my feelings about and share with those we hold dear.... On jan. 28th 2015 I took a pregnancy test and got the first positive I have ever gotten... Excited and curious I took two more all positive.... I was thrilled I was finally going to have baby years of wanting trying and praying I was going to have a little one..... My sweet nieces had spent the night and my little princess onna was with me when I got the amazing positive test... I was jumping for joy and so was she not even knowing why.... She finally stopped and asked what happened and I said I'm going to have a baby!!!! She froze and yelled your going to be a mommy! My heart burst in that moment I was overwhelmed with joy.... I called Cole and told him our exciting news... He was very happy knowing he was a dad to our sweet little one.... I went to Utah with my mom and sister that day and couldn't help but buy a little outfit I was to excited to hold it in.... I got home that night and showed Cole and he could tell I was bursting at the seems and he said are you sure you want to tell everyone before we know it will all be ok? The thought came to me at that moment this is our baby no matter what happens and I want to celebrate the life of our little one and of we loose our sweet little one its not the end and we will have that chance to hold and love this sweet baby either here on earth or in the next life... So we told or family and close friends life was great we couldn't have had more love and happiness from everyone..... February 8th I went to church and came home and there were some complications... We rushed to the er and they took some blood and tested my hcg levels and did an ultrasound... They saw the sac where my sweet baby would grown for the next 34 weeks but couldn't see much more since I was only 6 weeks along.... We left with a heavy cloud of this could be normal this could be signs of a threatened miscarriage.... On February 10th we want back in for my hcg levels to be tested again... On February 11th the dr called with my new hcg levels... They had dropped  and my sweet baby had passed away.... My little one was still there lifeless and inside me.... I couldnt feel my baby yet but I felt a rock where it was knowing my little ones body was still with me but its spirit was back with my father in heaven..... I made an apt with my dr to find out what we needed to do next... We went to the apt and he did an ultrasound again during this one tho he took his time and showed us the sac where the baby was.... Seeing this and knowing my little one had left its sweet little body and was no longer there helped heal my heart my baby was apart of me and I know that my baby was needed much more in heaven than my sweet little one was ever needed here... I know my baby's spirit is a choice spirit who had more strength and knowledge than I do... My sweet little one learned the meaning of all of this in the little time it was here on earth.... Oh how I wish I had that strong of a testimony to not need to go through the countless ups and downs I do to learn the lessons I need to learn in this life... What an example you are to me my little one that you did what mommy couldn't that you had such a strong spirit and testimony to only need to receive your body and hurry home to help the lord on the other side... I am sad and I will always have my moments but I know this is not the end it is the beginning.... My baby is waiting for me to get to the other side to be reunited again.... I am so grateful for the sealing power and the knowledge I have that my baby is part of an amazing covenant that families are together forever.... Science has proven a babies heart starts to beat at 5 weeks and that means there is life.... My little one may have only been with us for 6 short weeks but will always be my  baby and my love will not be any less for this little one because I only held it on the inside. After I found out my baby was no longer alive I had my rough moments as any would but I found peace, I was in my little sisters room and there is a rocker there and I sat down at that moment and rocked and rocked and the thought came to me that this will be the only time I get to hold and rock my little one.... I know there is a reason this had to happen even though I dont understand why.... I hope one day I will even though knowing will never take away all the pain.... My love for this little one is just as big as my love will be for any other children I will be blessed with..... I was so excited after I found out we were going to have a baby I couldn't help but look for names.... I wanted a name that meant something so I looked up names by meaning and I found the name bird and its meaning was strong.... Since we didn't name our little one every time I think of this little one I think of that name mainly cause my little one is strong.... Thank you for all the love and support we have had we are so blessed to have such amazing family and friends.... I love you all....