.......................Create Your Own Ending.......................: BIG things are HAPPENING

I have been working on a project and things are finally starting to fall into place! Over the last few years I have had some major ups and downs, some of my closest friends have gotten the most exciting news for them, but some of the hardest news for me. Having struggled with infertility for 3 years and two miscarriages, I can't count the number of pregnancy announcements that have left me in tears by myself. I have always tried to share excitement with them because it is the happiest time in our friends lives, but no matter how much I love them and am excited for them I still find myself feeling broken defeated and worthless. Last year was probably my hardest for this because we had said goodbye to our sweet babes and had friends getting pregnant left and right. I really distanced myself from my friends during this time talking about their pregnancy was worse to me than nails on a chalkboard, I just couldn't handle it! I felt especially pained when there was anything said about being sick, uncomfortable, or any other normal complaint about pregnancy. Over the last year I had pondered these feelings a lot and I have come to a conclusion, IT'S OK! I often get told the words you will be a great mom because of your struggle to get a child! I sadly used to think well duh, I want this more than anyone else. I have since realized that it is ok if I am not as long as I do my best, and even though I want this with ever fiber in my body doesn't mean I will be a super hero mom! I am still going to have days during my pregnancy where I am going to struggle and i am going to be so sick I can't help, but cry. Even after my little one is here I am still going to cry from lack of sleep and showers! Even if i don't get to experience another pregnancy and we have to adopt guess what there will still be moments where I let the natural man take over and I break because I will not have the control of how my babies first 9 months starts out! I was listening to Christmas music a few days ago and Away in a Manger came on and the sentence, "The cattle are lowing the poor baby wakes, but little Lord Jesus no crying he makes" brought me to tears. I started to ponder Christ as an infant and Mary's pregnancy. I know the journey to Bethlehem 9 months pregnant on the back of a donkey couldn't have been done without a little discomfort and pain. Once Christ was born I am sure there were nights with little sleep because even if he didn't fuss and cry at night he still had needs he still woke to be fed and Mary lost sleep to do so. I am sure that even as a child she worried about things to the max because she knew she was raising the Son of God. As a mother of our earthly children we have the doubts of are we good enough, can you imagine adding in that he is the Son of God to the mix. I am sure when Christ was a 12 year old boy teaching in the temple and his parents didn't know where he was, she worried about the safety of her child until she knew he was safe. She was a mother. Every one has their breaking points. As I have pondered these thoughts, my heart has softened and I have realized the love I have for those who get the blessings of motherhood on this earth. You are strong women and have the power to do great things! My old expectations that everyone should be 100 percent ok during pregnancy and motherhood are so unrealistic! I have to laugh because I can't even live up to that expectation, because I am terrified when I think I might be pregnant. I have a huge array of mixed emotions between excited and terrified. It isn't even the typical I am scared I won't be a good parent or they may get bullied when they are older, it is the fear I may have to say goodbye before even saying hello. So how can I expect anyone else to be happy 100 percent of the time when I can't even do that no matter how hard I try. During this healing process I have started working on a little project called Little Helms in honor of our little B&E. I have had a few friends I didn't know what to do for their little ones. I didn't just want to buy and outfit and call it good, I wanted my gift to be personal. After awhile I came up with the idea to make receiving blankets. These gifts are personal in more ways than one, handmade is always more personal than store bought, but these were also made from material I had bought for Bird and Ember. Once I started these I decided that I wanted to share the love of our children with more people and the idea grew from there. I started sewing receiving blankets and burp cloths with a line for each of our little ones that passed away. Bird's line of course is different patterns with birds and Embers line is all focused on outdoors. The healing that has come for me through giving a piece of our hearts to others has been so amazing and I am so grateful for the healing power my Father in Heaven gives! I am slowly starting to get things in line so that we can share what products we have available, so stay tuned to see what BIG things are coming! Thanks for all your love and support as we go through the ups and downs of infertility and loss, We would be lost without such amazing friends and family to help lift us and carry on! During the Star Valley Wyoming Temple cultural celebration there was a dance with angles that helped the pioneers lift their carts and press on! I have felt this so much in my life lately I know that the Lord not only sends angles from the other side to help lift me, but he has sent so many great friends and loved ones here on earth to do the same! I am so grateful we have all of you, we have so much love for each of you!