Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!

We have had a lot of friends ask how things have been going lately so here is a little update. We are hanging in there with all the trials that have come our way what more can anyone ask. With April 1st coming tomorrow my thoughts have been circling on why anyone would think it is funny to announce they are pregnant when they aren't and after a lot of thought it hit me, they really just don't get it! For them it is a funny joke but for others it is so painful. I have cried through many pregnancy announcements not because I don't love my friends and family but because my heart is shattered that it isn't me.. For the last 2.5 years I have cried through announcement after announcement and felt the pain as my heart longs for what I want so badly... I know that those who falsely announce they are expecting haven't felt the pain of infertility or the pain of loosing a child... But I know they have felt pain in a way that maybe I haven't.... So those who might think it is a simple funny joke please think of the pain that you have felt in your life and think twice before you post something that may make someone break (and not just with pregnancy false relationships can hurt those longing for a partner as well as other things out there)... We are still working with our fertility specialist and it is a long and slow process we don't have many answers so we just keep trying and in the mean time keep our heads up. I have been terrified as we continue, I am scared of the unknown because I don't think my heart can take loosing another baby it can barely take the disappointment each month we aren't pregnant... But I know if I don't try because I am too scared then I will never have what I desire most. We face things in life that are scary sometimes they scare us enough we put our heads in the sand and pray it will all go away. The biggest reason for this is we are afraid of failing. I know in my life I have settled and not done things I would have loved to because I was worried I would not succeed... I love the quote from a Cinderella story "you can't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" I haven't always lived by that but I defiantly am trying because I know deep down faith and fear cannot dwell in the same place. I know that if I have faith this will all work out the way it supposed to, but if I have fear I will not feel any comfort during the process.... I am still working on focusing on myself and hoping that I can find the faith I need to keep enduring to the end! 

You don't have to try....

It has been a long time since I have updated on our little family, I have been trying harder to focus on myself and that has taken up a lot of my extra time. It has been a crazy last few months. 5 months ago when we lost our 2 baby I went through so many hard emotions. I didn't realize at first how much I had repressed until the end of October. I had a huge melt down and I scared myself I started not caring if I was even here at times. I caught myself thinking my babies are in heaven and I want to be there too. Thankfully my sweet and loving husband held me through those dark times and stuck by my side when I wasn't able to hold on by myself. I slowly saw myself slipping away from the bright loving happy person I used to be, I got to the point where I knew something need to change. I reached out to a friend I grew up with I had been watching her transformation for the last little bit with her health and happiness and I was grasping at straws by this point hoping to find something to help the old Kenzie come back. She told me about the program she was doing and how much it helped her with happiness, energy, weight loss ect. I had used a few of the products in college to help with my health but never the whole system. I was at a point I would try anything I had little hope it would help because I was in such a different place than I wanted to be. I was completely shocked after the first two days how much energy I had I was so grateful to have a desire to get up and do something again after wanting to crawl in a whole and never come out. Slowly over the last couple months with a couple huge set backs I started to see myself happier and learning to love myself again. In February we met with a new reproductive specialist ands new high risk obgyn and both agreed that they would like to see me loose some weight because I am already a high risk having Factor V Lydon and PCOS being over weight just makes it that much riskier. I knew that was something I needed to work on so hearing it just confirmed I was taking a step in the right direction. They also ran some test to see if we had any othuer things factoring into our infertility/miscarriages thankfully all those tests have come back good and we are just dealing with the little we already knew about but are all controllable. We have been taking a break and just trying to focus on bettering ourselves. Cole has been such an amazing support for me there have been days I have struggled and he has been a rock to keep me on track and help me keep my eye on the end goal. So far I am down 21 pounds and even though I know I have a long way to go still I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am so grateful that I have had amazing friend/family that have supported me and helped me with my new lifestyle. I am grateful to feel happy again and to know that there is a bigger picture here and that our Father in Heaven has a plan and he knows what he is doing and our little family will be complete on his timing and not mine. All I can do until then is focus on me so I can be the best wife sister daughter friend and when the time comes I will be ready to be the best mommy, because I am choosing me because I know I am worth it! 

                  Before January 9th 2016


            After March 9th 2016