So many things
have happened in our busy lives.... I never get around to posting but we had an
event come up that I needed to write my feelings about and share with
those we hold dear.... On jan. 28th 2015 I took a pregnancy
test and got the first positive I have ever gotten... Excited and curious I
took two more all positive.... I was thrilled I was finally going to have baby
years of wanting trying and praying I was going to have a little one..... My
sweet nieces had spent the night and my little princess onna was with me when I
got the amazing positive test... I was jumping for joy and so was she not even
knowing why.... She finally stopped and asked what happened and I said I'm
going to have a baby!!!! She froze and yelled your going to be a mommy! My
heart burst in that moment I was overwhelmed with joy.... I called Cole and
told him our exciting news... He was very happy knowing he was a dad to our
sweet little one.... I went to Utah with my mom and sister that day and
couldn't help but buy a little outfit I was to excited to hold it in.... I got
home that night and showed Cole and he could tell I was bursting at the seems
and he said are you sure you want to tell everyone before we know it will all
be ok? The thought came to me at that moment this is our baby no matter what
happens and I want to celebrate the life of our little one and of we loose our
sweet little one its not the end and we will have that chance to hold and love
this sweet baby either here on earth or in the next life... So we told or
family and close friends life was great we couldn't have had more love and
happiness from everyone..... February 8th I went to church and came home and
there were some complications... We rushed to the er and they took some
blood and tested my hcg levels and did an ultrasound... They saw the sac where
my sweet baby would grown for the next 34 weeks but couldn't see much more
since I was only 6 weeks along.... We left with a heavy cloud of this could be
normal this could be signs of a threatened miscarriage.... On February 10th we
want back in for my hcg levels to be tested again... On February 11th the dr
called with my new hcg levels... They had dropped and my sweet baby had
passed away.... My little one was still there lifeless and inside me.... I
couldnt feel my baby yet but I felt a rock where it was knowing my little ones
body was still with me but its spirit was back with my father in heaven..... I
made an apt with my dr to find out what we needed to do next... We went to the
apt and he did an ultrasound again during this one tho he took his time and
showed us the sac where the baby was.... Seeing this and knowing my little one
had left its sweet little body and was no longer there helped heal my heart my
baby was apart of me and I know that my baby was needed much more in heaven
than my sweet little one was ever needed here... I know my baby's spirit is a
choice spirit who had more strength and knowledge than I do... My sweet little
one learned the meaning of all of this in the little time it was here on
earth.... Oh how I wish I had that strong of a testimony to not need to go
through the countless ups and downs I do to learn the lessons I need to learn
in this life... What an example you are to me my little one that you did what
mommy couldn't that you had such a strong spirit and testimony to only need to
receive your body and hurry home to help the lord on the other side... I am sad
and I will always have my moments but I know this is not the end it is the
beginning.... My baby is waiting for me to get to the other side to be reunited
again.... I am so grateful for the sealing power and the knowledge I have that
my baby is part of an amazing covenant that families are together forever.... Science
has proven a babies heart starts to beat at 5 weeks and that means there is
life.... My little one may have only been with us for 6 short weeks but will
always be my baby and my love will not be any less for this little one
because I only held it on the inside. After I found out my baby was no longer
alive I had my rough moments as any would but I found peace, I was in my little
sisters room and there is a rocker there and I sat down at that moment and
rocked and rocked and the thought came to me that this will be the only time I
get to hold and rock my little one.... I know there is a reason this had to
happen even though I dont understand why.... I hope one day I will even though
knowing will never take away all the pain.... My love for this little one is
just as big as my love will be for any other children I will be blessed
with..... I was so excited after I found out we were going to have a baby I
couldn't help but look for names.... I wanted a name that meant something so I
looked up names by meaning and I found the name bird and its meaning was
strong.... Since we didn't name our little one every time I think of this
little one I think of that name mainly cause my little one is strong.... Thank
you for all the love and support we have had we are so blessed to have such
amazing family and friends.... I love you all....
