Becoming Daddy

This blog is one I have been wanting to write for awhile but I haven’t found the words and every time I start I end up in tears. When we found out we were pregnant with Bird we both were scared something wasn’t ok little did we know we would say goodbye to our little boy to soon and it would change our world. During those short weeks it never sank in but when we got the call our world stopped our little one was gone and that was the start of a rough crazy process. We over the next three years lost three babes that made us parents but I never realized the pain and suffering I was dealing with watching my guy friends become dads! I had watched all my girl friends have kids and was never heart broken but something changed the first time I saw one of my guy friends hold his little girl! I think it was the realization I may never be able to give that gift to my husband on this earth. Yes we love our children and we will get to raise them in the next life, but something about seeing those new dads holding their little ones for the first time broke me. My sweet husband has never once complained or felt incomplete or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because we hadn’t had a sweet babe born to earth, but that doesn’t take away the pain I put in myself! There is something that changes the way a man looks at his partner after they have brought a life into this world together! I have longed for that feeling and moment and can’t wait to experience that when our little one arrives one January! I cannot wait to watch it become real for my husband as the pregnancy progresses and he can feel the baby move. I can’t wait for the moment he gets to see our little one in person for the first time and I get to see the look I have seen in so many of my guy friends eyes as Cole holds our little one for the first time! When I miscarried Bird I got to hold his little body and I see him my heart grew so much that day and I know the first time you hold your child changes you forever! My heart has hurt so much as we have gone through our losses and trials of trying to get a baby here but there has been so much joy come with each loss we grow closer in different ways that most couples never have to face, and now in January we get to take another step forward in our relationship and grow our family here one earth! Thank you so much for all your love and support you have given us through this process! We cannot wait for this next step and I am grateful I feel my heart healing a little as I see my sweet husband experience firsts with this little one since we have never made it this far in a pregnancy! 

Moran

I have not wanted to write this for so many reasons, one being the reality will sink in and two being that our sweet little girl is so sacred and special I don’t want to share her with the world just yet! I know that both those things are things I have been trying to come to terms with this past few weeks as we have processed the loss of our sweet daughter and her diagnosis! On February 14th 2015 I thought I had seen the worst of my days I found out our sweet little Bird was no longer living and growing he wasn’t going to play with his cousin Goose and be best of friends he was going to live with our Father in Heaven until we are reunited again I never thought later that year on his Due Date October 7th I would be saying goodbye to his sweet sister Ember and grieving a pain no momma should ever have to feel! But here we are three years later reliving a day I never thought I would! February 14th 2018 we found out our third child wouldn’t be coming home with us, we went for our ultrasound feeling so much excitement and peace since this little babe was a fighter and was healthy and thriving in all previous ultrasounds, but we saw a very sleeping little one on this day, three years to the day after saying goodbye to our little Bird I was reliving my worst nightmare all over again. We decided we needed some answers because this couldn’t be happening again yet it was so we opted to have a D&C the next day so we could do genetic testing. We recently got the results back and found out our sweet little girl had Turners Syndrome. My heart and mind have struggled with this because I known women who have lived beautiful lives with Turners and I couldn’t see how this could be the cause of our little girls death. I understand and know some cases are more sever than others and I know her body wasn’t able to do the things it needed to keep her alive, but my mind kept going to the what if’s and the why’s because that’s how I work! I am grateful that we have technology to give us answers but sometimes I don’t want the answer I am given... The more I processed I realized that I am blessed and I am so grateful that we have had three special spirits in our family that they are able pure and untainted by this trying world... I am grateful that I have peace that it wasn’t something I did or my body isn’t capable of carrying a child to term and that I caused this because believe me I have blamed myself over and over and replayed every moment of my pregnancies thinking ok maybe I over did it here or I shouldn’t have lifted that heavy box ect... I am grateful my sweet little girl isn’t in any pain because her body wasn’t developing the way it needed to for her to personally thrive... Most of all I am grateful that I have an eternal family and I will see my babies again... After we found out we had lost our daughter we took a little get away to Jackson and as we were eating dinner one night the restaurant had names of different mountains in Wyoming written on the wall I told Cole that night that I loved the name Moran, we later decided that this would be her name. I love that her name reminds me of my faith that it is firm and stands tall! That doesn’t mean there won’t be dark draws and river beds or fallen timber to work my way through to get up to the top... There will always be the end goal of getting to the top and taking in the beauty for all it is worth... I have sat in the river bed and cried for weeks now barely keeping it together as our little family has gone through growing pains, but I know deep down I still want to see the view so I will keep climbing! We have been so blessed as many dear loved ones have cried with us and loved us as we have grieved our losses and I am so very grateful for that... So many have reached out and loved me when I couldn’t love myself and I thank them for valuing me when I couldn’t value myself! I was talking with a dear friend tonight about wanting to teach young girls/daughters about loving themselves and not self hating, which I tend to do so often when I am going through a trial, and I realized I am not practicing this concept at all! If Ember and Moran where here I would never want them to see the self doubt and hate I have put myself through the last few months I would want them to know that women are strong and beautiful in every form and that loving ourself is the only option because all of us really are beautiful and great! These a-ha moments are what reminds me to keep going when things are hard and that my experiences though hard are shaping me into the woman I am and hopefully helping me become the wife/mother I need to be... I am grateful for the reminders that I have an eternal family and with the process of moving I have been able to showcase that in our home to help ground me and invite the spirit into our lives more! A dear friend did this beautiful piece of work for us and it is hung next to my “The Family a Proclamation to the World”  it has been a perfect way to show our love for our children and our Savior Jesus Christ who gave his life so that we can be together forever.....