Things have been so crazy in our small little world as the year has come to and end, but I have needed to update for awhile now and I just haven’t known how or what to say... Shortly after my body recovered from the blighted ovum we decided to do a second transfer with one of our frozen embryos we transferred our best frozen embryo out of the 7 we had left on October 24th and I left for Canada that afternoon! This was going to be perfect we used a perfect embryo and I was taking a 5 day vacation perfect timing for this little embryo to implant and start life... Of course as we all know nothing goes the way I plan... I was exhausted the whole trip I literally drove for 15 minutes of the 30 hour round trip drive... (thank you sisters and Brady for being such troupers and driving for me) Although I was exhausted Canada didn’t disappoint it was so beautiful up in Banff and I would go back in a heartbeat! I enjoyed much needed time with my sisters and kept my mind off the dreaded two week wait... After arriving home I expected to start getting symptoms and nothing started... Now with both my babies and my blighted ovum I had early signs that I knew they were there so I wasn’t getting my hopes up because there was no sign that I should... I went in for my blood test after the two week wait and no surprise it was negative so I waited to start our next cycle... On day two of the third cycle I went in to have my check to make sure everything was a go and unfortunately we got bad news that I had a cyst on my ovary and my estrogen levels were too high to transfer... When they called to let me know we would not be able to transfer again until the cyst went away my heart sank and the flood of tears began... Bless my poor father who called moments after the nurse had let me know this information as his crying daughter answered the phone he could hear the distress in my voice... The poor man wanted a haircut and instead he got a daughter crying angrily into the phone... He handled it like a champ and loved me through it... He reminded me that maybe we need to fast and pray for some love and support not only for when we transfer but also during the grief and hard times that our Father in Heaven will comfort and help us along the way all we have to do is ask... I tend to struggle with asking others for help even my Father in Heaven and he is someone who will never say no when I ask for help... I went home that night and I remembered getting down on my knees and I just cried about how unfair things had been not only had we suffered two hard losses but we had been through so many set backs in the 4 years of trying to grow our family all to come back with one more set back that there was no set time for it to end... I remember pleading with my Father in Heaven to help me feel the peace I needed to overcome this trial during a time of year where I struggle so much and most of all I remember not feeling an instant peace that I tend to think I should get because I want that and nothing more... I wasn’t angry, sad, happy, or anything really I was numb... I struggled for the next couple weeks as others were getting in the holiday spirit and I was feeling lost... I remember one night breaking down to Cole about why this time of year is unfair... I told him how I struggle because we should have our little Bird and Ember to shop for and start traditions with and they aren’t here and we aren’t expecting so my heart isn’t as happy and full like it should be... I struggle because I love my Savior so much but the pain that comes with hearing the Christmas stories about his birth break my heart because I long to be in the shoes his sweet mother Mary was in as she welcomed him into this earth... The first Christmas after we lost Bird and Ember I was asked to sing in church and I sang a song called First Lullaby/Silent night by Hilary Weeks and as I got to the part that says “Round yon virgin mother and child” my voice cracked and I started to cry because my heart broke as the image of Mary holding her newborn entered my mind... Thankfully I recovered and finished my song, but everyone in the ward just thought I was touched by the spirit as I sang such a spiritual song... They didn’t know the tears were flowing because my heart was breaking... Here we are two Christmases later and my heart is still breaking missing my sweet babes and longing for the ones we will hopefully get to have some day... Since that Christmas I have struggled with getting in the spirit, but this year with so many things not going as planned I have even more... I feel things slipping away as it has been two years since we lost Ember and almost three since we lost Bird... Sometime I feel like the poor mother in the movie “The Forgotten”... A dear friend said it perfectly to me as we talked about our sweet babes that we need to see strong “evidence” of our babies... She also sent me the worlds most cherished gift of two ornaments with Bird and Embers names on them, this sweet package came after so many tears had been shed and I felt myself feeling so dark because at times I do feel like I am the only one who connected with them and remembers they were here... I thank this sweet momma so much for remembering them and helping me remember that others love and remember them as well... I also thank her for helping me this was a changing point in my holiday spirit and her small gesture helped pull me out of the darkness and remember the light that comes with the season... I may not be able to focus on the birth of Christ without tears, but I can focus on the life of Christ and the light the world campaign and strive to live my life more like he did... As Christmas approaches this weekend please be mindful of those who are suffering and love them extra hard as Christ would... Pray for them, love them, and most of all don’t judge them if they are sad.... Instead sit with them, hold them, and allow them to feel through things the way they need too.... Christ mourned with those who mourned, and is a great example that we should do the same... I hope you all find peace this holiday and know our Savior is there for you he atoned not only for our sins, but our trials too he knows the pain we feel and he will help us through.... Happy Holidays everyone love you all and please be safe! 
