Nothing DOWN about it

The last few weeks I have been struggling, we had our IVF consultation a few weeks ago and I left the appointment frustrated. We looked over all the options we had and we left with a lot on our minds about expenses, fertility meds, egg retrievals, frozen embryos, and survival rates. As we discussed our different options I couldn't shake some of the thoughts that had been racing through my head before our appointment. I had read about genetic testing on embryos and how the chances lessen of having a miscarriage of you do these tests. I had asked our doctor about this during our appointment because last year is still such a blur from the pain of loosing two I just couldn't imagine going through that again until our doctor told me why they do that.... He explained to me that they do the genetic testing on embryos to test for things like Down syndrome, Trisomy 18, Spina Bifida, and other chromosome defects, is how he put it. My heart broke as he continued to explain that they don't use the embryos that test positive since their survival rate is lower.... I was crumbling I started crying as I explained to him my feelings on this... As a niece and sister of an aunt and brother born with two of these diagnoses (Trisomy 18 & Downs Syndrome) I can't imagine not allowing them a chance. My aunt died as an infant but the time my grandparents, parents, and uncles had with her wouldn't have been changed for the world. I love listen to my grandma share stories of her sweet little girl that has a spirit that would light up their whole house, and how she knew when my great-grandma Stoker was holding her cause she would squeeze her lips together tight so she could put a bottle in her mouth cause she was trying to feed her constantly to help her make the weight she needed for her surgery. The love they have for her was worth every day on this earth and as hard as it would be to say goodbye we will be together again. On the other side I have had the blessing for the last 17 years to be the big sister to a boy that always makes me feel loved even when I can't love myself. He has made me a better person and he has helped me grow in so many ways. His joy about life makes me want to fight and live when I want to give up! He knows and sees things I don't and his love for everyone is something I wish I was better at. I was asked once whYeah en he was little of they found a cure would I want them to change Parker and I said absolutely not he is a better person than I will ever be. After a huge break down in my doctors office and a discussion on how if we did the testing and found out on of our embryos had one of these diagnosis would he still implant them for us. We would be ok having a special little spirit our home, but he told me he would have to do some consideration because nobody has ever wanted to transfer an embryo that failed the genetic testing and most people who find out their baby has something extra will abort. At this point I realized the pain of loosing a baby was easier than being reminded how cruel our world is. We opted to skip any genetic testing because I would rather loose over and over than not give a child a chance extra chromosomes or not. We would be blessed to have extra chromosomes in our home, those extra chromosomes make them extra special anyway! The families blessed with these special children are the lucky few and we would be honored to be among them. I know most miscarriages are babies that fall under these categories, If I would have know Bird or Ember weren't going to make it I wouldn't have changed my time with them, the pain nearly broke me and I still feel like part of my heart will never be the same, but I gave them every chance I could at a life here on this earth! I am glad I asked for a better understanding of the genetic testing before doing it, all I saw was a flashing neon sign saying you will be less likely to loose another baby if you do this. I will be eternally grateful that I listened to the prompting to ask further questions even though it seemed so great. I have learned in life the times things seem amazing are usually the times Satan is in on something because the path we have chosen to follow our Father in Heaven hasn't been the one that sounded appealing most of the time, but I know I will have the reward after the struggle. There are moments of ups and joy but if I was presented with a plan of infertility. miscarriages, constant doctors appointments, and a medical bill every time we checked the mail or a plan of none of that I would have chosen the none of this, but I wouldn't have had a family things look better than they are most of the time. Without all this we wouldn't have two perfect babies waiting for us in Heaven and we wouldn't have an opportunity to keep trying for one to join us here on earth! I have been following a cute mom for some time now and it started cause her sweet little boy had this contagious laugh that made my day when I heard it. He has the same adorable laugh my sweet brother had when he was little as well as many other sweet downs babes it is a little raspy and full of love, joy, and perfection! Recently they had shirts made that said Nothing Down About It. When I bought the shirt a few weeks ago it was for the purpose that there is nothing down about Down Syndrome. I now realize it applies to me more than just loving my sweet brother and others with downs. It applies to me because even tho these struggles of infertility are a struggle there is nothing down about it! These struggles will lead to my happiness even if it is not until we are reunited with our B&E... There is joy in all things it is the perspective we have about it! 

Xoxo, Kenz