Hello friends today is a day I wasn't sure how emotions were going to fall into place, but they have fallen perfectly. This morning before I woke up my sweet hubby had already gone to work. When I woke up I found myself alone, this is often the case as my hubs leaves for work before I do, but today was different. As I sat up in bed without looking at a calendar or phone I knew what today was, today's June 7th 2016 the day our sweet Ember was due. As I sat in bed this morning and thought about how we should have been celebrating our little one not mourning I had a brief moment of sadness wash over me. I got my tears out by myself in the quiet peace and then I took a deep breath and decided I could celebrate today. It may not be the excitement of bringing home a new baby, but I can celebrate things that I am grateful for. So today I am celebrating the fact that I have sweet babies who are sealed to Cole and I for eternity. I am celebrating that I have a knowledge that there is life after death and this isn't the end we will see all of our loved ones again. I am celebrating that I have an amazing sister who has not only shared her children with me and let me love them but has shown me through her testimony that families can be together forever that she loves my sweet babies and can't wait for the day she will have the opportunity to love and hold them too. I am celebrating that my best friend was born on this day 26 years ago and that she has been a huge rock in my life and has been there through all the tears happy and sad! I am celebrating life, we have been given such an amazing gift that we a lot of times take for granted. I know there have been times I have cried myself into a dark place and I really didn't want to wake up the next day. There were times I thought if I passed on I would be with my sweet babies and not hurt anymore. Over time I have realized I am not seeing the huge gift I have, the gift of being able to live and to breathe. There are so many out there who would give anything to have one more day even one more hour with those they love. Yes me wanting to be with my babies is wanting to be with those I love, but because of the amazing gift of eternal families I will be with them again. I have people here on earth that I often take for granted because I often focus on who I have lost that I forget about who here still needs me. A friend and I were reminiscing about the past the other day and I had the thought of I wish I would have enjoyed high school and college more instead of always desiring to go on to the next step. When I was in high school I could t wait to get to college and in college I could wait to get married and with marriage I found myself thinking I can't wait to have kids. Looking back I should have enjoyed every little thing about high school as it went by to fast. College was a few short years and then I became an adult where life got a lot harder. Then we have marriage even tho it has been a heart breaking two and half years wanting a baby I am so grateful I have had this special time with Cole that I am grateful I will never look back and say I should have enjoyed it just being the two of us instead of always wanting to skip this step. No this time alone wasn't the way I had planned at all a baby was all I wanted and still do but I can honestly say this alone time has been so enjoyed maybe not the whole time but this last nine months I have been grateful to have this time I know I will never get back. I'm so glad I have been able to find joy in these small and simple things it has made the last few failed fertility treatments easier. Finding a sliver lining no matter how hard the trial makes everything manageable. I taught sharing time one Sunday to our sweet little primary and the lesson was on faith. I found myself saying a few times that with faith all things will work out and the peace that came over me that it truly will even if it is not in my time or the way I planned it was exactly what I needed. I love you all and am so blessed to have amazing people in my life!
