Wait or Weight

This is about to get real vulnerable for me, I have been contemplating this for a couple months now and finally decided I needed to get this off my heart! I have had so many lovely ladies be blessed with sweet babies around the same time as I have and a common thing said amongst them is I need to get this baby weight off... I feel their pain I have struggled for years with feeling like a stupid number or size defines me. In high school I went through some very difficult eating issues that led to self hate and led to me feeling unworthy of love. I never felt good enough and I settled in a lot of aspects in my life. The issues I had with loving myself led to me making choices I wouldn’t have made if I believed in myself just a little bit! After years of struggling and many hard trails, I was able to get to a healthy weight and a healthy head space. I finally learned to love myself and not abuse myself! I never saw that all unraveling once my life had so perfectly fallen into place. When I met Cole I was in such a good place I even remember reading a sweet text between him and my baby sister when she thanked him for making me so happy and that she hadn’t seen me this happy in years! Life was exactly where I wanted and needed it to be. Little did I know the next 6 years were going to challenge and change me in ways I didn’t see coming... When we started trying for a family and we weren’t having success fertility hormones were introduced and like most hormones my body loved them in the sense it was like I enjoyed 10 pieces of cake a night! The hormones I had to take reeked havoc on my body at first it was just 5-10 pounds no big deal right hormones do that to you. But after the hormones worked and we got pregnant with our first and lost him. My body not only had that 5-10 pounds but it had another 9 from pregnancy and a few more that was from the grief of losing our sweet Bird. Fast forward 7 months 5 treatments later my sweet body had held on to a little more weight from those 5 treatments and we found out we were expecting again. As many of you know we didn’t have success with this pregnancy either and we lost our daughter Ember. Add on another few emotional pounds! After we lost Ember I went into a dark place and started to have old habits creep back into my life I had an extremely scary moment where I was crying in the bathroom after getting rid of my meal for the day when I was so down on myself knowing that purging wasn’t going to fix anything it wasn’t going to make me love myself, or help us get pregnant and keep a pregnancy, but it was going to make both things worse. For a moment I didn’t care I wanted it to go away, all the pain we had been through all the suffering I had taken on! I struggled with feeing like my life was of value for a good chunk of the first few years of my marriage I thought the thought of how could a man who wants kids love a woman who can’t provide them at least 5 times a day. I convinced myself over and over I wasn’t worth fighting for! Thankfully this sweet man saw what I couldn’t and stuck it out through the years of me constantly sobbing and self harming! The next step took my life in a direction I needed through a good friend I was able to get the resources I needed to make sure I didn’t let my eating issues spiral down the dark rabbit hole they were slowly going down! I got to a healthy place with my relationship with food I had healthily lost the weight I had gained from fertility treatments and the loses we dealt with! Things were looking up and I was feeling hopeful, the next two years I can’t even count/remember how many treatments we tried with no success! The longer the time passed without a proscribe test the further I got from remembering how much I had overcome and how loving myself was so important. Each treatment seemed to fight against all the hard work I had put in to have a healthy out look on self love... It was like the one thing that could help me reach a goal I so desperately wanted completely

undid all the work I had done on another goal! This battle continued through the 4 rounds of ivf it took to get pregnant with Ridgley and the weight gain continued through that and really hit hard between the lose of Moran and when we got pregnant with Ridg. We got pregnant with Moran in January of 2018 and I carried her for 9 weeks one fun perk my body does when I get pregnant is I always gain 9 pounds almost instantly (thank you pcos) so with sweet Moran I did just that and when we lost her I put on some more due to emotions being way over the top and I was drowning! Then as soon as we had the clear to transfer again we did and thankfully we got pregnant and it took! The weight gain that came then never bothered me I was grateful for every pound because it meant I had a healthy growing babe! After having Ridgley I was blessed to loose the 40 pounds I had gained within the first month! That left me at a pre-pregnancy weight but not a pre-fertility treatment weight! The next month of my sweet babies life I found myself crying often trying to figure out how I was going to show this sweet little girl how to love herself and not to define her worth off of silly worldly things like I had done my whole life! One morning as I was doing this what I would called routine of tears I was thinking about the weight I had put on during the last 6 years of trials and how I almost felt like letting go of it and loosing it was removing the memories of my sweet babies that I worked so hard for sacrificing my body so I could try and get them here! I felt if I lost the 9 pounds I gained with Bird, the 9 pounds I gain with Ember and the 9 pounds I gain with Moran and all the other pounds I gained doing fertility treatments I would be slowly shedding the memories of my babies that weren’t here with me! They were my reminders they were here with us and letting them go would be forgetting! I remember crying so hard that I didn’t think I was going to stop! Once I finally was able to calm down and manage my emotions I was able to remind myself that being happy doesn’t mean we didn’t love them that we forgot about the pain or that we moved on it means we are surviving until this life is over and we can be a whole family again! So for the last month I have been working mentally on telling myself it is ok to let go of my fertility/pregnancy loss weight it doesn’t define my angel babies! What defines our family is that we are eternal and we will be together again! The things I need now in this life are to be able to love myself and to show my sweet daughter a healthy way to treat our bodies! I have been at both ends of the pendulum where I have starved and treated my body horribly to where I am now harboring extra so I won’t forget, and at the end of the day I realize one thing, we need to have love! We need to have love for ourselves and love for others! In a world full of judgment it is so hard to do this we don’t love ourselves because the world expects different and we find ourselves not showing love for the rest of the world cause we are picking apart others! So starting today I am being open and honest with myself and showing myself the grace I need to work through my emotions and get to a healthier place to be the example to my daughter I need to be! Mommas who have just had babies too love yourself and your amazing body that carried this sweet life or lives into this world! Show yourself some grace and work towards your goals in a healthy way, not just about a number or a size but about loving your wonderful body that did something amazing! All ladies (and gents) need to remember to love themselves and the beautiful body God created for them and to respect and love it in an honorable and healthy way!

Becoming Daddy

This blog is one I have been wanting to write for awhile but I haven’t found the words and every time I start I end up in tears. When we found out we were pregnant with Bird we both were scared something wasn’t ok little did we know we would say goodbye to our little boy to soon and it would change our world. During those short weeks it never sank in but when we got the call our world stopped our little one was gone and that was the start of a rough crazy process. We over the next three years lost three babes that made us parents but I never realized the pain and suffering I was dealing with watching my guy friends become dads! I had watched all my girl friends have kids and was never heart broken but something changed the first time I saw one of my guy friends hold his little girl! I think it was the realization I may never be able to give that gift to my husband on this earth. Yes we love our children and we will get to raise them in the next life, but something about seeing those new dads holding their little ones for the first time broke me. My sweet husband has never once complained or felt incomplete or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because we hadn’t had a sweet babe born to earth, but that doesn’t take away the pain I put in myself! There is something that changes the way a man looks at his partner after they have brought a life into this world together! I have longed for that feeling and moment and can’t wait to experience that when our little one arrives one January! I cannot wait to watch it become real for my husband as the pregnancy progresses and he can feel the baby move. I can’t wait for the moment he gets to see our little one in person for the first time and I get to see the look I have seen in so many of my guy friends eyes as Cole holds our little one for the first time! When I miscarried Bird I got to hold his little body and I see him my heart grew so much that day and I know the first time you hold your child changes you forever! My heart has hurt so much as we have gone through our losses and trials of trying to get a baby here but there has been so much joy come with each loss we grow closer in different ways that most couples never have to face, and now in January we get to take another step forward in our relationship and grow our family here one earth! Thank you so much for all your love and support you have given us through this process! We cannot wait for this next step and I am grateful I feel my heart healing a little as I see my sweet husband experience firsts with this little one since we have never made it this far in a pregnancy! 

Moran

I have not wanted to write this for so many reasons, one being the reality will sink in and two being that our sweet little girl is so sacred and special I don’t want to share her with the world just yet! I know that both those things are things I have been trying to come to terms with this past few weeks as we have processed the loss of our sweet daughter and her diagnosis! On February 14th 2015 I thought I had seen the worst of my days I found out our sweet little Bird was no longer living and growing he wasn’t going to play with his cousin Goose and be best of friends he was going to live with our Father in Heaven until we are reunited again I never thought later that year on his Due Date October 7th I would be saying goodbye to his sweet sister Ember and grieving a pain no momma should ever have to feel! But here we are three years later reliving a day I never thought I would! February 14th 2018 we found out our third child wouldn’t be coming home with us, we went for our ultrasound feeling so much excitement and peace since this little babe was a fighter and was healthy and thriving in all previous ultrasounds, but we saw a very sleeping little one on this day, three years to the day after saying goodbye to our little Bird I was reliving my worst nightmare all over again. We decided we needed some answers because this couldn’t be happening again yet it was so we opted to have a D&C the next day so we could do genetic testing. We recently got the results back and found out our sweet little girl had Turners Syndrome. My heart and mind have struggled with this because I known women who have lived beautiful lives with Turners and I couldn’t see how this could be the cause of our little girls death. I understand and know some cases are more sever than others and I know her body wasn’t able to do the things it needed to keep her alive, but my mind kept going to the what if’s and the why’s because that’s how I work! I am grateful that we have technology to give us answers but sometimes I don’t want the answer I am given... The more I processed I realized that I am blessed and I am so grateful that we have had three special spirits in our family that they are able pure and untainted by this trying world... I am grateful that I have peace that it wasn’t something I did or my body isn’t capable of carrying a child to term and that I caused this because believe me I have blamed myself over and over and replayed every moment of my pregnancies thinking ok maybe I over did it here or I shouldn’t have lifted that heavy box ect... I am grateful my sweet little girl isn’t in any pain because her body wasn’t developing the way it needed to for her to personally thrive... Most of all I am grateful that I have an eternal family and I will see my babies again... After we found out we had lost our daughter we took a little get away to Jackson and as we were eating dinner one night the restaurant had names of different mountains in Wyoming written on the wall I told Cole that night that I loved the name Moran, we later decided that this would be her name. I love that her name reminds me of my faith that it is firm and stands tall! That doesn’t mean there won’t be dark draws and river beds or fallen timber to work my way through to get up to the top... There will always be the end goal of getting to the top and taking in the beauty for all it is worth... I have sat in the river bed and cried for weeks now barely keeping it together as our little family has gone through growing pains, but I know deep down I still want to see the view so I will keep climbing! We have been so blessed as many dear loved ones have cried with us and loved us as we have grieved our losses and I am so very grateful for that... So many have reached out and loved me when I couldn’t love myself and I thank them for valuing me when I couldn’t value myself! I was talking with a dear friend tonight about wanting to teach young girls/daughters about loving themselves and not self hating, which I tend to do so often when I am going through a trial, and I realized I am not practicing this concept at all! If Ember and Moran where here I would never want them to see the self doubt and hate I have put myself through the last few months I would want them to know that women are strong and beautiful in every form and that loving ourself is the only option because all of us really are beautiful and great! These a-ha moments are what reminds me to keep going when things are hard and that my experiences though hard are shaping me into the woman I am and hopefully helping me become the wife/mother I need to be... I am grateful for the reminders that I have an eternal family and with the process of moving I have been able to showcase that in our home to help ground me and invite the spirit into our lives more! A dear friend did this beautiful piece of work for us and it is hung next to my “The Family a Proclamation to the World”  it has been a perfect way to show our love for our children and our Savior Jesus Christ who gave his life so that we can be together forever.....

Be the Light in the World

Things have been so crazy in our small little world as the year has come to and end, but I have needed to update for awhile now and I just haven’t known how or what to say... Shortly after my body recovered from the blighted ovum we decided to do a second transfer with one of our frozen embryos we transferred our best frozen embryo out of the 7 we had left on October 24th and I left for Canada that afternoon! This was going to be perfect we used a perfect embryo and I was taking a 5 day vacation perfect timing for this little embryo to implant and start life... Of course as we all know nothing goes the way I plan... I was exhausted the whole trip I literally drove for 15 minutes of the 30 hour round trip drive... (thank you sisters and Brady for being such troupers and driving for me) Although I was exhausted Canada didn’t disappoint it was so beautiful up in Banff and I would go back in a heartbeat! I enjoyed much needed time with my sisters and kept my mind off the dreaded two week wait... After arriving home I expected to start getting symptoms and nothing started... Now with both my babies and my blighted ovum I had early signs that I knew they were there so I wasn’t getting my hopes up because there was no sign that I should... I went in for my blood test after the two week wait and no surprise it was negative so I waited to start our next cycle... On day two of the third cycle I went in to have my check to make sure everything was a go and unfortunately we got bad news that I had a cyst on my ovary and my estrogen levels were too high to transfer... When they called to let me know we would not be able to transfer again until the cyst went away my heart sank and the flood of tears began... Bless my poor father who called moments after the nurse had let me know this information as his crying daughter answered the phone he could hear the distress in my voice... The poor man wanted a haircut and instead he got a daughter crying angrily into the phone... He handled it like a champ and loved me through it... He reminded me that maybe we need to fast and pray for some love and support not only for when we transfer but also during the grief and hard times that our Father in Heaven will comfort and help us along the way all we have to do is ask... I tend to struggle with asking others for help even my Father in Heaven and he is someone who will never say no when I ask for help... I went home that night and I remembered getting down on my knees and I just cried about how unfair things had been not only had we suffered two hard losses but we had been through so many set backs in the 4 years of trying to grow our family all to come back with one more set back that there was no set time for it to end... I remember pleading with my Father in Heaven to help me feel the peace I needed to overcome this trial during a time of year where I struggle so much and most of all I remember not feeling an instant peace that I tend to think I should get because I want that and nothing more... I wasn’t angry, sad, happy, or anything really I was numb... I struggled for the next couple weeks as others were getting in the holiday spirit and I was feeling lost... I remember one night breaking down to Cole about why this time of year is unfair... I told him how I struggle because we should have our little Bird and Ember to shop for and start traditions with and they aren’t here and we aren’t expecting so my heart isn’t as happy and full like it should be... I struggle because I love my Savior so much but the pain that comes with hearing the Christmas stories about his birth break my heart because I long to be in the shoes his sweet mother Mary was in as she welcomed him into this earth... The first Christmas after we lost Bird and Ember I was asked to sing in church and I sang a song called First Lullaby/Silent night by Hilary Weeks and as I got to the part that says “Round yon virgin mother and child” my voice cracked and I started to cry because my heart broke as the image of Mary holding her newborn entered my mind... Thankfully I recovered and finished my song, but everyone in the ward just thought I was touched by the spirit as I sang such a spiritual song... They didn’t know the tears were flowing because my heart was breaking... Here we are two Christmases later and my heart is still breaking missing my sweet babes and longing for the ones we will hopefully get to have some day... Since that Christmas I have struggled with getting in the spirit, but this year with so many things not going as planned I have even more... I feel things slipping away as it has been two years since we lost Ember and almost three since we lost Bird... Sometime I feel like the poor mother in the movie “The Forgotten”... A dear friend said it perfectly to me as we talked about our sweet babes that we need to see strong “evidence” of our babies... She also sent me the worlds most cherished gift of two ornaments with Bird and Embers names on them, this sweet package came after so many tears had been shed and I felt myself feeling so dark because at times I do feel like I am the only one who connected with them and remembers they were here... I thank this sweet momma so much for remembering them and helping me remember that others love and remember them as well... I also thank her for helping me this was a changing point in my holiday spirit and her small gesture helped pull me out of the darkness and remember the light that comes with the season... I may not be able to focus on the birth of Christ without tears, but I can focus on the life of Christ and the light the world campaign and strive to live my life more like he did... As Christmas approaches this weekend please be mindful of those who are suffering and love them extra hard as Christ would... Pray for them, love them, and most of all don’t judge them if they are sad.... Instead sit with them, hold them, and allow them to feel through things the way they need too.... Christ mourned with those who mourned, and is a great example that we should do the same... I hope you all find peace this holiday and know our Savior is there for you he atoned not only for our sins, but our trials too he knows the pain we feel and he will help us through.... Happy Holidays everyone love you all and please be safe! 

We thought it was forever, but we learned it wasn't now

I have been MIA from social media the last little bit and I am sorry.... We have had so much going on and I feel it is now time to finally fill everybody else in... On June 23rd we were able to start our first round of IVF... I am so grateful for those who have helped support us and help us get to this point, your kindness, love, and prayers has been felt every step of the way! We went into this crazy processes with a lot of unknowns, but I knew if we turned it to God things would go exactly the way our little family needed them too... I was worried about all the hormones and my blood clotting disorder, but our doctors took precautions and the stimulation process went flawlessly. We had been warned the whole time most likely I would hyperstem due to my PCOS... On July 8th they retrieved 15 eggs which was a beautiful amount not to many not to little... a few days later they called to let us know 13 of the 15 had fertilized and because I had no signs of hypersteming we would proceed with a day 5 transfer... On July 13th we went down and got the report of our embryos we only had one ready for a transfer out of the 13 so we transferred number 6 and prayed that some would be ready to freeze the next day (it would be the last day they could be ready before not being able to be frozen).... Watching the miracle of our little sixlet being transferred was amazing the embryos are so tiny and they can survive amazing things... I started more shots l, got more bruises, and added to the hot flashes, but I knew it would be worth it.... The next day many prayers were answered we had 7 embryos ready to freeze... I seriously felt like nothing couldn't happen I was on top of the world! We had 1 little embryo waiting to implant and 7 frozen, what more could we ask for! During the next 3 weeks we prayed more and waited... I broke down and took a test the night before we did a blood test to see if we were pregnant... I got a very faint positive and thought it was an evaporating line... So I took 4 more the next day! All said pregnant... With our history I was scared everything about our cycle went flawlessly, there was no way it worked the first transfer to... I went down to my dr apt supper nervous that some how I had 5 false positives... I got my blood test back and they were positive for pregnancy, but lower than our dr wanted to see them... My heart sank... We were right back to where we were two years ago pregnant but with the cloud of for how long over our heads... Two days later retested and my levels had more than doubled... This went on for a week and then we did our first ultrasound... There was a perfect little sac and my levels were double every two days... There was hope! We had a week of waiting before we could see any details or hear a heartbeat so we went back to the waiting game, but with a little more hope this might all work out and this might be ok... We were out of town for the next week for work for me and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time I was with my friends who have helped me fight the last two years and surrounded me with love, hope, and belief! We talked about my pregnancy and I felt the sincerity of each of their love and prayers! I decided to not worry about the things I couldn't change and to live in the moment... We got home early Thursday morning and had a doctors appointment that afternoon... Before I went on for my ultrasound I said a silent prayer that I would have peace and feel my Father in Heavens love... As soon as my doctor found the sac I knew what was going on... The perfect round sac was completely empty... Having lost two before and knowing what a sac with a tiny little baby in it looked like, I knew there was no baby here, there wasn't a yoke sac to nourish a fetus and there was no tiny gummy bear inside that perfect circle... Over this process my dr and nurse have become close with us and I heard the sadness in his voice as he said I am sorry.... I told him it wasn't his fault and I had peace! I had comfort that this was all for a reason... I honestly can't tell you why, I know with Bird and Ember they needed to receive a body and that was it... I remember seeing them on the ultrasounds laying still in a not so perfectly round sac and knowing they had a bigger plan than I could see, but as I saw this empty sac and felt peace I couldn't explain, I couldn't tell you why this had to happen when with B&E I can without doubt... As I have plundered today I honestly think my Father in Heaven wants to test my obedience and faith... I was angry when we found out my levels were low and we might loose the baby I wanted to turn from him, but I knew that wasn't the answer... I feel as if he is trying me to see if I trust him... At first I didn't, but the peace I felt as I saw what was my dreams slipping away confirmed to me that he has me he is holding me through this trail until I can walk on my own again... The tears came tonight as I sat in my room alone and listened to the quiet and I decided it was time to share with all of you why I have been MIA... The next few weeks are going to be hard they are going to be a test of my emotions as we wait for my HCG to go for 7926 to 0... We will have a process of healing and letting my body get back to where it needs to be before we can start over with a frozen transfer... I am taking this time as an opportunity to focus on myself and what I need! I am going to take this as an opportunity to cleanse my body and prepare for our next opportunity to try to grow our family... When our doctor explained to us what was going on I was grateful to not feel anger, I was grateful that when he told us a blighted ovum can take time to pass naturally, that I could see that this was an opportunity instead of seeing this as a set back... I honestly couldn't have told you two years ago I was grateful for my trails, but today I can say that even though they are hard that I am grateful for the trails I have been given and that I have grown closer to my Father in Heaven and I have an awesome support system that has helped through some of my darkest times! We are not giving up hope this was a bump we had to go over not a mountain... I know this is part of something bigger than us and we have the faith that this trial will not define us! Please know that we feel your prayers and we appreciate them and I haven't forgotten the love and support all of you have given us! If you are hurting know you are not alone there is a tribe of warriors out there who love you and are fighting with you! I am so blessed that I have found mine and guess what they take in anyone and love them fiercely, reach out if you need! I hope all is well with each of you and I love you! 

5 Stages of Grief

We were driving home one night and the song let it go came on and I know how silly it will sound that it resonated with me... my silly husband often sings this song when I am mad and it normally makes me even more frustrated when he sings it, but tonight as it played in the car I had a different feeling! As I listen to the words I thought of our journey and everything we have been through and I realized that it is ok to embrace who you are and let go of the mask we all put on for others... Over the last two months I have been hurt by things out of my control... I have learned people are curl and they love to take stabs at others to make themselves feel better... I often find myself hiding behind a mask after I have been hurt and I am not true to myself, I shutdown and I protect myself by putting on a mask that I am ok... listening to the silly lyrics of a Disney song though I realized I need to let it go and throw away the mask I hide behind when I am hurt... It is ok to show my pain and hurt and it is ok to go through the stages of grief when things happen that are out of our hands... I started coping with things through sewing almost a year ago and it is amazing the therapy it has been for me to wrap others little ones in something I have made with such love and a lot of time tears knowing what I long for and have yet to have! I am so grateful for those who have supported our journey we have been so blessed... I hope each family that has received a Little Helm truly knows the love and emotion behind each stitch... I genuinely plan every stitch out every item from our Bird line has little bird feet stitched around the edges reminding me my little B is walking right beside me loving me as I go through this journey that feels never ending! Every piece from our Ember line is stitched with little mountains around the edges which represents our love for the outdoors and the many fires we have in the summer that reminded me that Em is the last bit of fire burning giving us hope and the strength to keep pushing forward... This journey has been exhausting but so rewarding at the same time... I have stumbled, but each time I come back stronger remembering the greater plan here... I have learned to be at peace during this process that there are things bigger than me and I have the ability to change only what is on me and leave the rest up to my loving Heavenly Father... I have learned it is ok to be in denial, at times I am in denial and I convince myself we are ok not having a family and other times I am denying that anything is wrong and both feelings are ok to express... I have learned it is ok be angry to yell and scream and ask why! It is ok to be mad when I don't agree with the doctor, it is ok to be angry when my body doesn't work the way it is supposed to... I have learned that sometimes I need to feel like I can bargain with my Father in Heaven even if it gets me nowhere it helps me to communicate with him. I feel like I am being heard if I at least get my say in what I want... I have embraced my ugly cry, yes that's a thing! I defiantly used to try to just hold it in and put that mask on to hid the pain now I just let it go.... I honestly needed to let the floodgates open and get all my pent up emotions out! That being said I have learned that it is ok to feel blue and be depressed and have time to hide away and process your emotions. It is even ok to veg out and watch movies all day... But most importantly I have learned acceptance I have learned all these stages are important and are needed, but eventually you have to come to the conclusion to let it go and accept what is to come... Please don't think this is my way of saying we are done because we aren't... We will keep trying and fighting for what we want... I am simply saying it is ok to cycle through the emotions I matter your trial and it is ok to not relax when people tell you oh just relax it will happen because every cycle we need to process what is happening and these stages are the normal way to get through hard things!   I have accepted that we are going to have to pay big bucks for us to have a family, I have accepted that we will have to wait longer than most couples, i have accepted that I may not always agree with my doctors, I have accepted that my body may not always work the way it should, I have accepted that others are going to have a family before me, I have accepted that this is hard, I have accepted people will say things they shouldn't, I have accepted that I can't save every child in a bad situation, and I have accepted I may have to grieve the loss of another child when we get pregnant again... Acceptance doesn't mean it gets easier or better I just means you know that it is how it is and it isn't in your hands to change it! I have also accepted that I am loved more than I can imagine by an amazing husband, an awesome family, and a very loving and forgiving Father in Heaven... I am letting it go and not hiding behind my mask because it is ok to not be perfect! 

There is no foot too small that is cannot leave an imprint on the world.....

I have started this blog a few times and I haven't been able to get anywhere with it.... My heart has been heavy as we have approached our two year mark..... Two years ago earlier this week we found out our little Bird wasn't going to be joining our family on this earth... It took my body a few days after we found out the baby had passed for my body to let go. I stayed home while Cole had some work out of town. My sweet sister came over and stayed with me waiting for the inevitable to happen.... Two years ago today I held my first baby in my hands, Bird's tiny little body had just started to form you could see a little head and two tiny little arms, little buds where the legs where forming and a tiny little tail where the spine would have eventually finish forming... I remember thinking how amazing it was that we start so small and develop to where we are. I remember being heart broken that Bird would never grow past this tiny little body on this earth.... I am so grateful that I was able to see Bird with my own eyes and know the reality of this baby was here and that I held my little one at least one time in my arms... I am grateful that I was able to naturally miscarry so that I could have that moment. I am grateful that my sister was there to hold me when my sweet husband couldn't be....  this journey has been a long hard one and we are still fighting for a family here on this earth....I overheard a mother at church the other day say that if she didn't have kids she would be skinny, have money and a clean house I smiled and cried  at the same time because no she wouldn't her money would be invested in exhausting all options to have a child of her own and her house would go by the way side as she had days where she stayed in bed crying in so much pain waiting for the day her arms would be full. She wouldn't necessarily be skinny because I fight like heck to loose the weight I gained with each miscarriage and fertility hormones... I know we all go through our own set of trials but we need to remember not to make light of things that may be breaking someone else. When I am hurting I often think of the song written by Charles Chapplin 

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Things in life aren't easy no matter where you are at... Trials will most likely keep coming and heartache is bound to happen, but I know each of us has the strength to get up and keep going.... I loved the lesson in church on Sunday it was about finding gratitude in all things I am grateful for the small reminders that things will be ok the hard parts will end and there will be joy we just have to look for it! When I look back on how painful loosing Bird was I am grateful that I got to hold my little one in my arms at least once.... A lot of moms who loose their babies as early as I did never get the opportunity to see their tiny little bodies, I wouldn't trade that for anything! The longer it has been the more I see the small things that make me feel more gratitude for everything we have been through... I am grateful that I have such amazing friends and family supporting me through all the good and the bad! I am so blessed to have the husband I do standing beside me and working hard with me to reach our end goal of having a family here on earth! Thanks for all your love and kind words! 

XoXo Kenz  

Nothing DOWN about it

The last few weeks I have been struggling, we had our IVF consultation a few weeks ago and I left the appointment frustrated. We looked over all the options we had and we left with a lot on our minds about expenses, fertility meds, egg retrievals, frozen embryos, and survival rates. As we discussed our different options I couldn't shake some of the thoughts that had been racing through my head before our appointment. I had read about genetic testing on embryos and how the chances lessen of having a miscarriage of you do these tests. I had asked our doctor about this during our appointment because last year is still such a blur from the pain of loosing two I just couldn't imagine going through that again until our doctor told me why they do that.... He explained to me that they do the genetic testing on embryos to test for things like Down syndrome, Trisomy 18, Spina Bifida, and other chromosome defects, is how he put it. My heart broke as he continued to explain that they don't use the embryos that test positive since their survival rate is lower.... I was crumbling I started crying as I explained to him my feelings on this... As a niece and sister of an aunt and brother born with two of these diagnoses (Trisomy 18 & Downs Syndrome) I can't imagine not allowing them a chance. My aunt died as an infant but the time my grandparents, parents, and uncles had with her wouldn't have been changed for the world. I love listen to my grandma share stories of her sweet little girl that has a spirit that would light up their whole house, and how she knew when my great-grandma Stoker was holding her cause she would squeeze her lips together tight so she could put a bottle in her mouth cause she was trying to feed her constantly to help her make the weight she needed for her surgery. The love they have for her was worth every day on this earth and as hard as it would be to say goodbye we will be together again. On the other side I have had the blessing for the last 17 years to be the big sister to a boy that always makes me feel loved even when I can't love myself. He has made me a better person and he has helped me grow in so many ways. His joy about life makes me want to fight and live when I want to give up! He knows and sees things I don't and his love for everyone is something I wish I was better at. I was asked once whYeah en he was little of they found a cure would I want them to change Parker and I said absolutely not he is a better person than I will ever be. After a huge break down in my doctors office and a discussion on how if we did the testing and found out on of our embryos had one of these diagnosis would he still implant them for us. We would be ok having a special little spirit our home, but he told me he would have to do some consideration because nobody has ever wanted to transfer an embryo that failed the genetic testing and most people who find out their baby has something extra will abort. At this point I realized the pain of loosing a baby was easier than being reminded how cruel our world is. We opted to skip any genetic testing because I would rather loose over and over than not give a child a chance extra chromosomes or not. We would be blessed to have extra chromosomes in our home, those extra chromosomes make them extra special anyway! The families blessed with these special children are the lucky few and we would be honored to be among them. I know most miscarriages are babies that fall under these categories, If I would have know Bird or Ember weren't going to make it I wouldn't have changed my time with them, the pain nearly broke me and I still feel like part of my heart will never be the same, but I gave them every chance I could at a life here on this earth! I am glad I asked for a better understanding of the genetic testing before doing it, all I saw was a flashing neon sign saying you will be less likely to loose another baby if you do this. I will be eternally grateful that I listened to the prompting to ask further questions even though it seemed so great. I have learned in life the times things seem amazing are usually the times Satan is in on something because the path we have chosen to follow our Father in Heaven hasn't been the one that sounded appealing most of the time, but I know I will have the reward after the struggle. There are moments of ups and joy but if I was presented with a plan of infertility. miscarriages, constant doctors appointments, and a medical bill every time we checked the mail or a plan of none of that I would have chosen the none of this, but I wouldn't have had a family things look better than they are most of the time. Without all this we wouldn't have two perfect babies waiting for us in Heaven and we wouldn't have an opportunity to keep trying for one to join us here on earth! I have been following a cute mom for some time now and it started cause her sweet little boy had this contagious laugh that made my day when I heard it. He has the same adorable laugh my sweet brother had when he was little as well as many other sweet downs babes it is a little raspy and full of love, joy, and perfection! Recently they had shirts made that said Nothing Down About It. When I bought the shirt a few weeks ago it was for the purpose that there is nothing down about Down Syndrome. I now realize it applies to me more than just loving my sweet brother and others with downs. It applies to me because even tho these struggles of infertility are a struggle there is nothing down about it! These struggles will lead to my happiness even if it is not until we are reunited with our B&E... There is joy in all things it is the perspective we have about it! 

Xoxo, Kenz 

BIG things are HAPPENING

I have been working on a project and things are finally starting to fall into place! Over the last few years I have had some major ups and downs, some of my closest friends have gotten the most exciting news for them, but some of the hardest news for me. Having struggled with infertility for 3 years and two miscarriages, I can't count the number of pregnancy announcements that have left me in tears by myself. I have always tried to share excitement with them because it is the happiest time in our friends lives, but no matter how much I love them and am excited for them I still find myself feeling broken defeated and worthless. Last year was probably my hardest for this because we had said goodbye to our sweet babes and had friends getting pregnant left and right. I really distanced myself from my friends during this time talking about their pregnancy was worse to me than nails on a chalkboard, I just couldn't handle it! I felt especially pained when there was anything said about being sick, uncomfortable, or any other normal complaint about pregnancy. Over the  last year I had pondered these feelings a lot and I have come to a conclusion, IT'S OK! I often get told the words you will be a great mom because of your struggle to get a child! I sadly used to think well duh, I want this more than anyone else. I have since realized that it is ok if I am not as long as I do my best, and even though I want this with ever fiber in my body doesn't mean I will be a super hero mom! I am still going to have days during my pregnancy where I am going to struggle and i am going to be so sick I can't help, but cry. Even after my little one is here I am still going to cry from lack of sleep and showers! Even if i don't get to experience another pregnancy and we have to adopt guess what there will still be moments where I let the natural man take over and I break because I will not have the control of how my babies first 9 months starts out! I was listening to Christmas music a few days ago and Away in a Manger came on and the sentence, "The cattle are lowing the poor baby wakes, but little Lord Jesus no crying he makes" brought me to tears. I started to ponder Christ as an infant and Mary's pregnancy. I know the journey to Bethlehem 9 months pregnant on the back of a donkey couldn't have been done without a little discomfort and pain. Once Christ was born I am sure there were nights with little sleep because even if he didn't fuss and cry at night he still had needs he still woke to be fed and Mary lost sleep to do so. I am sure that even as a child she worried about things to the max because she knew she was raising the Son of God. As a mother of our earthly children we have the doubts of are we good enough, can you imagine adding in that he is the Son of God to the mix. I am sure when Christ was a 12 year old boy teaching in the temple and his parents didn't know where he was, she worried about the safety of her child until she knew he was safe. She was a mother. Every one has their breaking points. As I have pondered these thoughts, my heart has softened and I have realized the love I have for those who get the blessings of motherhood on this earth. You are strong women and have the power to do great things!  My old expectations that everyone should be 100 percent ok during pregnancy and motherhood are so unrealistic! I have to laugh because I can't even live up to that expectation, because I am terrified when I think I might be pregnant. I have a huge array of mixed emotions between excited and terrified. It isn't even the typical I am scared I won't be a good parent or they may get bullied when they are older, it is the fear I may have to say goodbye before even saying hello. So how can I expect anyone else to be happy 100 percent of the time when I can't even do that no matter how hard I try. During this healing process I have started working on a little project called Little Helms in honor of our little B&E. I have had a few friends I didn't know what to do for their little ones. I didn't just want to buy and outfit and call it good, I wanted my gift to be personal. After awhile I came up with the idea to make receiving blankets. These gifts are personal in more ways than one, handmade is always more personal than store bought, but these were also made from material I had bought for Bird and Ember. Once I started these I decided that I wanted to share the love of our children with more people and the idea grew from there. I started sewing receiving blankets and burp cloths with a line for each of our little ones that passed away. Bird's line of course is different patterns with birds and Embers line is all focused on outdoors. The healing that has come for me through giving a piece of our hearts to others has been so amazing and I am so grateful for the healing power my Father in Heaven gives! I am slowly starting to get things in line so that we can share what products we have available, so stay tuned to see what BIG things are coming! Thanks for all your love and support as we go through the ups and downs of infertility and loss, We would be lost without such amazing friends and family to help lift us and carry on! During the Star Valley Wyoming Temple cultural celebration there was a dance with angles that helped the pioneers lift their carts and press on! I have felt this so much in my life lately I know that the Lord not only sends angles from the other side to help lift me,  but he has sent so many great friends and loved ones here on earth to do the same! I am so grateful we have all of you, we have so much love for each of you!

Easton with his Little Helm original  

*Isn't he so cute :)

 Donation for Bingo for Brycen

*It is Monday Nov. 14Th 2016 @6:30pm in Afton, WY

 Donation for Bingo for Brycen 

 

Clara's Little Helm Original 

LOVE, Kenz

I thought we lost it all... but then I learned we have it all...

Hey friends, today has been a day I have dreaded for a few reasons. We would have had a one year old had out little Bird lived and we also lost Ember on this day a year ago. So we remember both our little babes on this day! Honestly it is a day not many would acknowledge but as hard as this day is for us it reminds me of the blessings our little family has, I am so grateful for our little family. I am grateful that I have the knowledge that there is more to life than this earth and that our little Bird and Ember are in heaven waiting for the day we are reunited as a family. Cole and I have been doing fertility treatments and as we have gone through them I had the thought the other day our kids are all together the ones who haven't come and the two that have come and returned to our Father in Heaven! It reminded me as hard as it was to loose Ember that I am so grateful Bird is not alone. I know we have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings of mine in heaven with our little ones but I am so glad they have each other. There is a connection between siblings that you can't replace and my kids know that connection since they are there together! I think about my sisters and brother that are here on this earth with me and I can't imagine my life without them, they are my best friends! I am also grateful my siblings who didn't get to stay with us are there as an eternal family being the uncles my kids didn't get to know on this earth. I love my nieces and nephews and I am grateful my siblings get to know that love and connection because our two babes are up there with them.... I have been blessed so much in my life and the comfort I receive from having the knowledge and testimony I do helps me get through the hard days.... This past little bit has had a lot of trials we have had to over come, lots of tears, anger, and laughs and not the good laughs the kind where you feel like everything is hopeless so you start the awkward laugh cry type thing. But even with all those moments we are still trucking along and we know in the end we have the best family reunion with some of the best family members I have yet to meet! Until then I am blessed with my family here and my amazing friends.... I was so blessed this morning when I woke up to a text from my mom telling me she loved me knowing this is a hard day... A few hours later a friend texted and I honestly was surprised and cried tears of gratitude because this day isn't a day I expect anyone to remember, but it showed me how blessed I am that I have the true friends I do. I have to laugh cause this sweet girl and I became friends over a random pin on Pinterest and I never would have guessed such a good friendship would form.... I am extremely grateful for her and her kind words! I am blessed with so many things that I have the strength to help me through the struggles of loosing our babies and going through infertility. For that I am eternally grateful! We are still trying to grow our family and hope one day our little family with grow on this earth, but until then we are enjoying the life we have been given. I hope some day soon we will be able to have the excitement of sharing with you all that we are bringing a baby home with us, until then thank you for all the love and support you all give us! Love you all! 

Find JOY in the Journey

Hello friends today is a day I wasn't sure how emotions were going to fall into place, but they have fallen perfectly. This morning before I woke up my sweet hubby had already gone to work. When I woke up I found myself alone, this is often the case as my hubs leaves for work before I do, but today was different. As I sat up in bed without looking at a calendar or phone I knew what today was, today's June 7th 2016 the day our sweet Ember was due. As I sat in bed this morning and thought about how we should have been celebrating our little one not mourning I had a brief moment of sadness wash over me. I got my tears out by myself in the quiet peace and then I took a deep breath and decided I could celebrate today. It may not be the excitement of bringing home a new baby, but I can celebrate things that I am grateful for. So today I am celebrating the fact that I have sweet babies who are sealed to Cole and I for eternity. I am celebrating that I have a knowledge that there is life after death and this isn't the end we will see all of our loved ones again. I am celebrating that I have an amazing sister who has not only shared her children with me and let me love them but has shown me through her testimony that families can be together forever that she loves my sweet babies and can't wait for the day she will have the opportunity to love and hold them too. I am celebrating that my best friend was born on this day 26 years ago and that she has been a huge rock in my life and has been there through all the tears happy and sad! I am celebrating life, we have been given such an amazing gift that we a lot of times take for granted. I know there have been times I have cried myself into a dark place and I really didn't want to wake up the next day. There were times I thought if I passed on I would be with my sweet babies and not hurt anymore. Over time I have realized I am not seeing the huge gift I have, the gift of being able to live and to breathe. There are so many out there who would give anything to have one more day even one more hour with those they love. Yes me wanting to be with my babies is wanting to be with those I love, but because of the amazing gift of eternal families I will be with them again. I have people here on earth that I often take for granted because I often focus on who I have lost that I forget about who here still needs me. A friend and I were reminiscing about the past the other day and I had the thought of I wish I would have enjoyed high school and college more instead of always desiring to go on to the next step. When I was in high school I could t wait to get to college and in college I could wait to get married and with marriage I found myself thinking I can't wait to have kids. Looking back I should have enjoyed every little thing about high school as it went by to fast. College was a few short years and then I became an adult where life got a lot harder. Then we have marriage even tho it has been a heart breaking two and half years wanting a baby I am so grateful I have had this special time with Cole that I am grateful I will never look back and say I should have enjoyed it just being the two of us instead of always wanting to skip this step. No this time alone wasn't the way I had planned at all a baby was all I wanted and still do but I can honestly say this alone time has been so enjoyed maybe not the whole time but this last nine months I have been grateful to have this time I know I will never get back. I'm so glad I have been able to find joy in these small and simple things it has made the last few failed fertility treatments easier. Finding a sliver lining no matter how hard the trial makes everything manageable. I taught sharing time one Sunday to our sweet little primary and the lesson was on faith. I found myself saying a few times that with faith all things will work out and the peace that came over me that it truly will even if it is not in my time or the way I planned it was exactly what I needed. I love you all and am so blessed to have amazing people in my life!  

Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!

We have had a lot of friends ask how things have been going lately so here is a little update. We are hanging in there with all the trials that have come our way what more can anyone ask. With April 1st coming tomorrow my thoughts have been circling on why anyone would think it is funny to announce they are pregnant when they aren't and after a lot of thought it hit me, they really just don't get it! For them it is a funny joke but for others it is so painful. I have cried through many pregnancy announcements not because I don't love my friends and family but because my heart is shattered that it isn't me.. For the last 2.5 years I have cried through announcement after announcement and felt the pain as my heart longs for what I want so badly... I know that those who falsely announce they are expecting haven't felt the pain of infertility or the pain of loosing a child... But I know they have felt pain in a way that maybe I haven't.... So those who might think it is a simple funny joke please think of the pain that you have felt in your life and think twice before you post something that may make someone break (and not just with pregnancy false relationships can hurt those longing for a partner as well as other things out there)... We are still working with our fertility specialist and it is a long and slow process we don't have many answers so we just keep trying and in the mean time keep our heads up. I have been terrified as we continue, I am scared of the unknown because I don't think my heart can take loosing another baby it can barely take the disappointment each month we aren't pregnant... But I know if I don't try because I am too scared then I will never have what I desire most. We face things in life that are scary sometimes they scare us enough we put our heads in the sand and pray it will all go away. The biggest reason for this is we are afraid of failing. I know in my life I have settled and not done things I would have loved to because I was worried I would not succeed... I love the quote from a Cinderella story "you can't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" I haven't always lived by that but I defiantly am trying because I know deep down faith and fear cannot dwell in the same place. I know that if I have faith this will all work out the way it supposed to, but if I have fear I will not feel any comfort during the process.... I am still working on focusing on myself and hoping that I can find the faith I need to keep enduring to the end! 

You don't have to try....

It has been a long time since I have updated on our little family, I have been trying harder to focus on myself and that has taken up a lot of my extra time. It has been a crazy last few months. 5 months ago when we lost our 2 baby I went through so many hard emotions. I didn't realize at first how much I had repressed until the end of October. I had a huge melt down and I scared myself I started not caring if I was even here at times. I caught myself thinking my babies are in heaven and I want to be there too. Thankfully my sweet and loving husband held me through those dark times and stuck by my side when I wasn't able to hold on by myself. I slowly saw myself slipping away from the bright loving happy person I used to be, I got to the point where I knew something need to change. I reached out to a friend I grew up with I had been watching her transformation for the last little bit with her health and happiness and I was grasping at straws by this point hoping to find something to help the old Kenzie come back. She told me about the program she was doing and how much it helped her with happiness, energy, weight loss ect. I had used a few of the products in college to help with my health but never the whole system. I was at a point I would try anything I had little hope it would help because I was in such a different place than I wanted to be. I was completely shocked after the first two days how much energy I had I was so grateful to have a desire to get up and do something again after wanting to crawl in a whole and never come out. Slowly over the last couple months with a couple huge set backs I started to see myself happier and learning to love myself again. In February we met with a new reproductive specialist ands new high risk obgyn and both agreed that they would like to see me loose some weight because I am already a high risk having Factor V Lydon and PCOS being over weight just makes it that much riskier. I knew that was something I needed to work on so hearing it just confirmed I was taking a step in the right direction. They also ran some test to see if we had any othuer things factoring into our infertility/miscarriages thankfully all those tests have come back good and we are just dealing with the little we already knew about but are all controllable. We have been taking a break and just trying to focus on bettering ourselves. Cole has been such an amazing support for me there have been days I have struggled and he has been a rock to keep me on track and help me keep my eye on the end goal. So far I am down 21 pounds and even though I know I have a long way to go still I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I am so grateful that I have had amazing friend/family that have supported me and helped me with my new lifestyle. I am grateful to feel happy again and to know that there is a bigger picture here and that our Father in Heaven has a plan and he knows what he is doing and our little family will be complete on his timing and not mine. All I can do until then is focus on me so I can be the best wife sister daughter friend and when the time comes I will be ready to be the best mommy, because I am choosing me because I know I am worth it! 

                  Before January 9th 2016


            After March 9th 2016

Embers hidden in the ashes.

On September 26th I found out we were pregnant with our second baby. Needless to say we were more than excited after loosing our first little one, and going through 7 more months of infertility this was the light at the end of a very rough tunnel. The following Monday I started spotting and of course after loosing our little Bird I was panicked that we were loosing this this baby. My Dr. ran some HCG tests and 48 hours later my levels had tripled so he thought it was just implantation bleeding. Panic went away and we started enjoying the idea of a sweet little one joining our family. We talked names we made plans and everything was perfect. Life was finally feeling normal again after we lost Bird I was a mess I really didn't know how to move on I bottled up a lot of emotions because talking about it hurt to much and I felt like being sad all the time was worse. I felt like if I was sad people were judging me telling me I needed to get over it and move on. I had lost hope that things were going to get better. This baby was the ember burning in my fire that caught the flame I needed to keep going. Before I was loosing faith that my Father in Heaven was listening and that he loved me when he metaphorically took a tiny ember of hope and made my fire burn. I personally hate calling our little ones it or baby 1 and 2 hence why Bird became our nickname for our first and our second will always be our little Ember. This baby has given me the faith that I know my Father in Heaven is listening and he loves me. We only got to have our sweet Ember for a short time sadly a few days after our first apt we found out my HCG levels were dropping and my doctor confirmed my worst fear that we would be hurting and grieving again. I went through a lot of emotions upon finding out I was angry, sad, confused, and oddly enough peaceful. I knew this was going to be ok and I knew my Father in Heaven was holding me close and that this was going to be ok even when it hurt so bad. I wasn't bleeding so the doctor decided that doing a D&C was going to be the best option, especially because he was wanting to do some genetic testing to see if we could find some answers. We meet with him in a couple weeks to discus what our next option is since not only do we loose the babies, but it is really hard for us to get one here in the first place. I am extremely grateful that we have a doctor who is willing to be proactive and try and get us some answers. I know one day our family will be complete and we will all be together and for that I am extremely humbled. I am so blessed that my husband and I were sealed for time and all eternity so we can have our little family forever. 

Rollercoaster and waiting.....

Today has been one of the hardest days since our little bird left us... I have repressed a lot of feelings and I know that hasn't been healthy... To my friends and family who unfortunately followed us into the line to ride this crazy roller coaster I apologize you had no idea the ride you would go on when you came along... I am sorry for the moments you have felt unsure or uncomfortable... I know it can't be easy to know what to say or how to act.... But to be honest I never know what I need until I need it.... My heart has broken many times as I have watched my sweet sisters pregnancy progress... I love her dearly and I am doing my absolute best to support her sadly there are days my heart hurts to much and I break... My dear husband has been a rock the days I can't stop the hyperventilating sobbing he's always right there to hold me and tell me we have this.... After we lost our little bird our doctors were confident we would conceive shortly after without infertility drugs.... They were wrong... After a long and painful summer we were able to start a new round of infertility drugs.... Thankfully the timing helped ease my heart.... I was called to the primary presidency and I won't lie when I was called I starting crying and couldn't even accept my biggest fear has been primary infertility/miscarriage and primary don't mix well for me... Church has been hard enough talking about family rips my heart out so talking about family with children something I long for so badly didn't seem fun at all.... I accepted knowing I would be blessed for doing what my Heavenly Father wanted.... Thankfully the following week we were able to start the process with our infertility drugs.... It has helped me knowing we are working towards something.... But on the flip side the closer we get to our due date the more I hurt.... I realized that this was the last cycle we would be able to do before our due date and my heart aches because not only am I really hoping we have happy news before then.... But also because it made me realize in six weeks we should have been bring home our little bird.... I used to think the hardest part about infertility was the waiting take clomed for 4 days wait til day 12 to see if you have follicles... Take a second dose cause your follicles aren't growing wait another 7 days to check growth they grew but we're not out of the woods yet.... Trigger shot wait to see if the trigger shot worked 3 more days.... It worked... Wait three weeks to see if you got pregnant, because it you test to early the hcg from the trigger shot my still be in your system.... Finally 6 weeks later you know and if you aren't you get to start all over again.... My cycle has been the most frustrating I wish it could be a simple 4 week no drug process.... But that's not in my cards.... Even tho this is the most painful waiting period it still isn't the worst part of infertility the worst part is how hard it is on everyone around you.... It becomes different your friends and family are terrified to ask you how you are doing... Or if the treatments are working... And in turn since they don't know if they should ask or not you hurt and feel like they don't care.... If they ask you are hurt... No matter what they do you still hurt and nothing can fix it... You hurt every time something happy happens because you haven't had time to heal... I keep telling myself I will feel a little better once we get past our due date.... And from then on it will go up right.... I really don't know if it will get better or if I will just learn to accept the hurt and wear my mask of a smile... Because even when we get pregnant again and have a little one in our arms I am still going to hurt maybe a little less but it will be there every Oct. 7th I will remember my sweet bird..... So dear friends and family please hang in there with me if I am not the happiest... Don't hesitate to ask if I am ok because I hurt if you ask and I hurt if you don't.... Sorry if I don't call and I am distant but sometimes I just need to cry and not feel like I am crazy.... Thanks for following us on to this crazy roller coaster and staying on even when you want nothing more than to get off.... 

Love you all..... 

Gratitude

Last night I had the opportunity to hang out with two of my favorite moms.... These women are such amazing examples to me they are so strong and loving and I never see them complain for one second about the trials that come with being a mom. For that I am extremely grateful... I have had a really rough last six weeks I do ok for a day or two and then I have a melt down.... These melt downs are usually triggered by seeing a mother with her child born or unborn and the love I see between them that I long for or seeing/hearing a mother complain about their child.... I am so grateful for my sweet friends that are mothers who never complain about the tasks and trials that come with being a mom I know it is a challenge and not always easy and I give you props for never saying anything negative about the sweet children you are blessed with.... As some of you know my sweet sister is a week ahead of where my pregnancy would have been and this has been a challenge at times but she has been such a huge rock in my life I know she has been so exhausted having two older children who run her ragged and I know she hasn't felt the best, but not once have I heard my loving sister complain about the little blessing she is carrying... I have recently seen/heard so many pregnant women composing about different things in their pregnancy heartburn, nausea, exhaustion, sex of the baby, mood swings,  stretch marks, being uncomfortable, and unfortunately even complaing about not wanting the baby and the inconvince of having a baby at this time... I would gladly take any of these women's places I will gladly take every ache pain and misery and I will be thrilled and happy about every single one of them... When you've gone through infertility/a miscarriage your heart breaks every time you hear someone is pregnant and then when you hear one of them complain it is like the knife that was stabbed into your heart when you heard they were pregnant is pulled out and they dump a ton of salt on that fresh wound... I just want to thank all my sweet friends moms/pregnant moms who are my rocks and never complain about the blessing and joy of their children even when it is trying... I know there are times everyone breaks down and needs to complain about life I know I am guilty of this but I am trying to change this because the things I am complaing about someone else out there is longing for that very thing I am complaining about and I need to be grateful for those blessings and show my gratitude for the blessings in my life... I struggle every day with the miscarriage of our child and I know many others who have struggled with the loss of a baby at any given age from conception to a grown child... Loosing a child no matter what age is the hardest thing a mother has to face with her children... I am grateful for the strength I have found with my Heavenly Father during these difficult times... And the love and support my friends and family have shown me... And the amazing mothers I have the opportunity to have in my life... Remember no matter what the trial you are facing  wether it be a small home and wanting a larger one, trials in your relationship/marriage, your job, your kids, there is somebody out there who wants a home no matter the size so they aren't sleeping out in the cold homeless, somebody who wishes they had a significant other to share their life with, somebody who wishes they could find work no matter what the job, and somebody who has cried countless tears to hear the words momma or dadda come out of your sweet child's mouth... We need more positivity in the world so I am going to start with me and work on complaing about the things I am taking for granted.... Love you all.... 

Little Bird

So many things have happened in our busy lives.... I never get around to posting but we had an event come up that I needed to write my feelings about and share with those we hold dear.... On jan. 28th 2015 I took a pregnancy test and got the first positive I have ever gotten... Excited and curious I took two more all positive.... I was thrilled I was finally going to have baby years of wanting trying and praying I was going to have a little one..... My sweet nieces had spent the night and my little princess onna was with me when I got the amazing positive test... I was jumping for joy and so was she not even knowing why.... She finally stopped and asked what happened and I said I'm going to have a baby!!!! She froze and yelled your going to be a mommy! My heart burst in that moment I was overwhelmed with joy.... I called Cole and told him our exciting news... He was very happy knowing he was a dad to our sweet little one.... I went to Utah with my mom and sister that day and couldn't help but buy a little outfit I was to excited to hold it in.... I got home that night and showed Cole and he could tell I was bursting at the seems and he said are you sure you want to tell everyone before we know it will all be ok? The thought came to me at that moment this is our baby no matter what happens and I want to celebrate the life of our little one and of we loose our sweet little one its not the end and we will have that chance to hold and love this sweet baby either here on earth or in the next life... So we told or family and close friends life was great we couldn't have had more love and happiness from everyone..... February 8th I went to church and came home and there were some complications... We rushed to the er and they took some blood and tested my hcg levels and did an ultrasound... They saw the sac where my sweet baby would grown for the next 34 weeks but couldn't see much more since I was only 6 weeks along.... We left with a heavy cloud of this could be normal this could be signs of a threatened miscarriage.... On February 10th we want back in for my hcg levels to be tested again... On February 11th the dr called with my new hcg levels... They had dropped  and my sweet baby had passed away.... My little one was still there lifeless and inside me.... I couldnt feel my baby yet but I felt a rock where it was knowing my little ones body was still with me but its spirit was back with my father in heaven..... I made an apt with my dr to find out what we needed to do next... We went to the apt and he did an ultrasound again during this one tho he took his time and showed us the sac where the baby was.... Seeing this and knowing my little one had left its sweet little body and was no longer there helped heal my heart my baby was apart of me and I know that my baby was needed much more in heaven than my sweet little one was ever needed here... I know my baby's spirit is a choice spirit who had more strength and knowledge than I do... My sweet little one learned the meaning of all of this in the little time it was here on earth.... Oh how I wish I had that strong of a testimony to not need to go through the countless ups and downs I do to learn the lessons I need to learn in this life... What an example you are to me my little one that you did what mommy couldn't that you had such a strong spirit and testimony to only need to receive your body and hurry home to help the lord on the other side... I am sad and I will always have my moments but I know this is not the end it is the beginning.... My baby is waiting for me to get to the other side to be reunited again.... I am so grateful for the sealing power and the knowledge I have that my baby is part of an amazing covenant that families are together forever.... Science has proven a babies heart starts to beat at 5 weeks and that means there is life.... My little one may have only been with us for 6 short weeks but will always be my  baby and my love will not be any less for this little one because I only held it on the inside. After I found out my baby was no longer alive I had my rough moments as any would but I found peace, I was in my little sisters room and there is a rocker there and I sat down at that moment and rocked and rocked and the thought came to me that this will be the only time I get to hold and rock my little one.... I know there is a reason this had to happen even though I dont understand why.... I hope one day I will even though knowing will never take away all the pain.... My love for this little one is just as big as my love will be for any other children I will be blessed with..... I was so excited after I found out we were going to have a baby I couldn't help but look for names.... I wanted a name that meant something so I looked up names by meaning and I found the name bird and its meaning was strong.... Since we didn't name our little one every time I think of this little one I think of that name mainly cause my little one is strong.... Thank you for all the love and support we have had we are so blessed to have such amazing family and friends.... I love you all....