Wait or Weight

This is about to get real vulnerable for me, I have been contemplating this for a couple months now and finally decided I needed to get this off my heart! I have had so many lovely ladies be blessed with sweet babies around the same time as I have and a common thing said amongst them is I need to get this baby weight off... I feel their pain I have struggled for years with feeling like a stupid number or size defines me. In high school I went through some very difficult eating issues that led to self hate and led to me feeling unworthy of love. I never felt good enough and I settled in a lot of aspects in my life. The issues I had with loving myself led to me making choices I wouldn’t have made if I believed in myself just a little bit! After years of struggling and many hard trails, I was able to get to a healthy weight and a healthy head space. I finally learned to love myself and not abuse myself! I never saw that all unraveling once my life had so perfectly fallen into place. When I met Cole I was in such a good place I even remember reading a sweet text between him and my baby sister when she thanked him for making me so happy and that she hadn’t seen me this happy in years! Life was exactly where I wanted and needed it to be. Little did I know the next 6 years were going to challenge and change me in ways I didn’t see coming... When we started trying for a family and we weren’t having success fertility hormones were introduced and like most hormones my body loved them in the sense it was like I enjoyed 10 pieces of cake a night! The hormones I had to take reeked havoc on my body at first it was just 5-10 pounds no big deal right hormones do that to you. But after the hormones worked and we got pregnant with our first and lost him. My body not only had that 5-10 pounds but it had another 9 from pregnancy and a few more that was from the grief of losing our sweet Bird. Fast forward 7 months 5 treatments later my sweet body had held on to a little more weight from those 5 treatments and we found out we were expecting again. As many of you know we didn’t have success with this pregnancy either and we lost our daughter Ember. Add on another few emotional pounds! After we lost Ember I went into a dark place and started to have old habits creep back into my life I had an extremely scary moment where I was crying in the bathroom after getting rid of my meal for the day when I was so down on myself knowing that purging wasn’t going to fix anything it wasn’t going to make me love myself, or help us get pregnant and keep a pregnancy, but it was going to make both things worse. For a moment I didn’t care I wanted it to go away, all the pain we had been through all the suffering I had taken on! I struggled with feeing like my life was of value for a good chunk of the first few years of my marriage I thought the thought of how could a man who wants kids love a woman who can’t provide them at least 5 times a day. I convinced myself over and over I wasn’t worth fighting for! Thankfully this sweet man saw what I couldn’t and stuck it out through the years of me constantly sobbing and self harming! The next step took my life in a direction I needed through a good friend I was able to get the resources I needed to make sure I didn’t let my eating issues spiral down the dark rabbit hole they were slowly going down! I got to a healthy place with my relationship with food I had healthily lost the weight I had gained from fertility treatments and the loses we dealt with! Things were looking up and I was feeling hopeful, the next two years I can’t even count/remember how many treatments we tried with no success! The longer the time passed without a proscribe test the further I got from remembering how much I had overcome and how loving myself was so important. Each treatment seemed to fight against all the hard work I had put in to have a healthy out look on self love... It was like the one thing that could help me reach a goal I so desperately wanted completely

undid all the work I had done on another goal! This battle continued through the 4 rounds of ivf it took to get pregnant with Ridgley and the weight gain continued through that and really hit hard between the lose of Moran and when we got pregnant with Ridg. We got pregnant with Moran in January of 2018 and I carried her for 9 weeks one fun perk my body does when I get pregnant is I always gain 9 pounds almost instantly (thank you pcos) so with sweet Moran I did just that and when we lost her I put on some more due to emotions being way over the top and I was drowning! Then as soon as we had the clear to transfer again we did and thankfully we got pregnant and it took! The weight gain that came then never bothered me I was grateful for every pound because it meant I had a healthy growing babe! After having Ridgley I was blessed to loose the 40 pounds I had gained within the first month! That left me at a pre-pregnancy weight but not a pre-fertility treatment weight! The next month of my sweet babies life I found myself crying often trying to figure out how I was going to show this sweet little girl how to love herself and not to define her worth off of silly worldly things like I had done my whole life! One morning as I was doing this what I would called routine of tears I was thinking about the weight I had put on during the last 6 years of trials and how I almost felt like letting go of it and loosing it was removing the memories of my sweet babies that I worked so hard for sacrificing my body so I could try and get them here! I felt if I lost the 9 pounds I gained with Bird, the 9 pounds I gain with Ember and the 9 pounds I gain with Moran and all the other pounds I gained doing fertility treatments I would be slowly shedding the memories of my babies that weren’t here with me! They were my reminders they were here with us and letting them go would be forgetting! I remember crying so hard that I didn’t think I was going to stop! Once I finally was able to calm down and manage my emotions I was able to remind myself that being happy doesn’t mean we didn’t love them that we forgot about the pain or that we moved on it means we are surviving until this life is over and we can be a whole family again! So for the last month I have been working mentally on telling myself it is ok to let go of my fertility/pregnancy loss weight it doesn’t define my angel babies! What defines our family is that we are eternal and we will be together again! The things I need now in this life are to be able to love myself and to show my sweet daughter a healthy way to treat our bodies! I have been at both ends of the pendulum where I have starved and treated my body horribly to where I am now harboring extra so I won’t forget, and at the end of the day I realize one thing, we need to have love! We need to have love for ourselves and love for others! In a world full of judgment it is so hard to do this we don’t love ourselves because the world expects different and we find ourselves not showing love for the rest of the world cause we are picking apart others! So starting today I am being open and honest with myself and showing myself the grace I need to work through my emotions and get to a healthier place to be the example to my daughter I need to be! Mommas who have just had babies too love yourself and your amazing body that carried this sweet life or lives into this world! Show yourself some grace and work towards your goals in a healthy way, not just about a number or a size but about loving your wonderful body that did something amazing! All ladies (and gents) need to remember to love themselves and the beautiful body God created for them and to respect and love it in an honorable and healthy way!

Becoming Daddy

This blog is one I have been wanting to write for awhile but I haven’t found the words and every time I start I end up in tears. When we found out we were pregnant with Bird we both were scared something wasn’t ok little did we know we would say goodbye to our little boy to soon and it would change our world. During those short weeks it never sank in but when we got the call our world stopped our little one was gone and that was the start of a rough crazy process. We over the next three years lost three babes that made us parents but I never realized the pain and suffering I was dealing with watching my guy friends become dads! I had watched all my girl friends have kids and was never heart broken but something changed the first time I saw one of my guy friends hold his little girl! I think it was the realization I may never be able to give that gift to my husband on this earth. Yes we love our children and we will get to raise them in the next life, but something about seeing those new dads holding their little ones for the first time broke me. My sweet husband has never once complained or felt incomplete or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because we hadn’t had a sweet babe born to earth, but that doesn’t take away the pain I put in myself! There is something that changes the way a man looks at his partner after they have brought a life into this world together! I have longed for that feeling and moment and can’t wait to experience that when our little one arrives one January! I cannot wait to watch it become real for my husband as the pregnancy progresses and he can feel the baby move. I can’t wait for the moment he gets to see our little one in person for the first time and I get to see the look I have seen in so many of my guy friends eyes as Cole holds our little one for the first time! When I miscarried Bird I got to hold his little body and I see him my heart grew so much that day and I know the first time you hold your child changes you forever! My heart has hurt so much as we have gone through our losses and trials of trying to get a baby here but there has been so much joy come with each loss we grow closer in different ways that most couples never have to face, and now in January we get to take another step forward in our relationship and grow our family here one earth! Thank you so much for all your love and support you have given us through this process! We cannot wait for this next step and I am grateful I feel my heart healing a little as I see my sweet husband experience firsts with this little one since we have never made it this far in a pregnancy! 

Moran

I have not wanted to write this for so many reasons, one being the reality will sink in and two being that our sweet little girl is so sacred and special I don’t want to share her with the world just yet! I know that both those things are things I have been trying to come to terms with this past few weeks as we have processed the loss of our sweet daughter and her diagnosis! On February 14th 2015 I thought I had seen the worst of my days I found out our sweet little Bird was no longer living and growing he wasn’t going to play with his cousin Goose and be best of friends he was going to live with our Father in Heaven until we are reunited again I never thought later that year on his Due Date October 7th I would be saying goodbye to his sweet sister Ember and grieving a pain no momma should ever have to feel! But here we are three years later reliving a day I never thought I would! February 14th 2018 we found out our third child wouldn’t be coming home with us, we went for our ultrasound feeling so much excitement and peace since this little babe was a fighter and was healthy and thriving in all previous ultrasounds, but we saw a very sleeping little one on this day, three years to the day after saying goodbye to our little Bird I was reliving my worst nightmare all over again. We decided we needed some answers because this couldn’t be happening again yet it was so we opted to have a D&C the next day so we could do genetic testing. We recently got the results back and found out our sweet little girl had Turners Syndrome. My heart and mind have struggled with this because I known women who have lived beautiful lives with Turners and I couldn’t see how this could be the cause of our little girls death. I understand and know some cases are more sever than others and I know her body wasn’t able to do the things it needed to keep her alive, but my mind kept going to the what if’s and the why’s because that’s how I work! I am grateful that we have technology to give us answers but sometimes I don’t want the answer I am given... The more I processed I realized that I am blessed and I am so grateful that we have had three special spirits in our family that they are able pure and untainted by this trying world... I am grateful that I have peace that it wasn’t something I did or my body isn’t capable of carrying a child to term and that I caused this because believe me I have blamed myself over and over and replayed every moment of my pregnancies thinking ok maybe I over did it here or I shouldn’t have lifted that heavy box ect... I am grateful my sweet little girl isn’t in any pain because her body wasn’t developing the way it needed to for her to personally thrive... Most of all I am grateful that I have an eternal family and I will see my babies again... After we found out we had lost our daughter we took a little get away to Jackson and as we were eating dinner one night the restaurant had names of different mountains in Wyoming written on the wall I told Cole that night that I loved the name Moran, we later decided that this would be her name. I love that her name reminds me of my faith that it is firm and stands tall! That doesn’t mean there won’t be dark draws and river beds or fallen timber to work my way through to get up to the top... There will always be the end goal of getting to the top and taking in the beauty for all it is worth... I have sat in the river bed and cried for weeks now barely keeping it together as our little family has gone through growing pains, but I know deep down I still want to see the view so I will keep climbing! We have been so blessed as many dear loved ones have cried with us and loved us as we have grieved our losses and I am so very grateful for that... So many have reached out and loved me when I couldn’t love myself and I thank them for valuing me when I couldn’t value myself! I was talking with a dear friend tonight about wanting to teach young girls/daughters about loving themselves and not self hating, which I tend to do so often when I am going through a trial, and I realized I am not practicing this concept at all! If Ember and Moran where here I would never want them to see the self doubt and hate I have put myself through the last few months I would want them to know that women are strong and beautiful in every form and that loving ourself is the only option because all of us really are beautiful and great! These a-ha moments are what reminds me to keep going when things are hard and that my experiences though hard are shaping me into the woman I am and hopefully helping me become the wife/mother I need to be... I am grateful for the reminders that I have an eternal family and with the process of moving I have been able to showcase that in our home to help ground me and invite the spirit into our lives more! A dear friend did this beautiful piece of work for us and it is hung next to my “The Family a Proclamation to the World”  it has been a perfect way to show our love for our children and our Savior Jesus Christ who gave his life so that we can be together forever.....

Be the Light in the World

Things have been so crazy in our small little world as the year has come to and end, but I have needed to update for awhile now and I just haven’t known how or what to say... Shortly after my body recovered from the blighted ovum we decided to do a second transfer with one of our frozen embryos we transferred our best frozen embryo out of the 7 we had left on October 24th and I left for Canada that afternoon! This was going to be perfect we used a perfect embryo and I was taking a 5 day vacation perfect timing for this little embryo to implant and start life... Of course as we all know nothing goes the way I plan... I was exhausted the whole trip I literally drove for 15 minutes of the 30 hour round trip drive... (thank you sisters and Brady for being such troupers and driving for me) Although I was exhausted Canada didn’t disappoint it was so beautiful up in Banff and I would go back in a heartbeat! I enjoyed much needed time with my sisters and kept my mind off the dreaded two week wait... After arriving home I expected to start getting symptoms and nothing started... Now with both my babies and my blighted ovum I had early signs that I knew they were there so I wasn’t getting my hopes up because there was no sign that I should... I went in for my blood test after the two week wait and no surprise it was negative so I waited to start our next cycle... On day two of the third cycle I went in to have my check to make sure everything was a go and unfortunately we got bad news that I had a cyst on my ovary and my estrogen levels were too high to transfer... When they called to let me know we would not be able to transfer again until the cyst went away my heart sank and the flood of tears began... Bless my poor father who called moments after the nurse had let me know this information as his crying daughter answered the phone he could hear the distress in my voice... The poor man wanted a haircut and instead he got a daughter crying angrily into the phone... He handled it like a champ and loved me through it... He reminded me that maybe we need to fast and pray for some love and support not only for when we transfer but also during the grief and hard times that our Father in Heaven will comfort and help us along the way all we have to do is ask... I tend to struggle with asking others for help even my Father in Heaven and he is someone who will never say no when I ask for help... I went home that night and I remembered getting down on my knees and I just cried about how unfair things had been not only had we suffered two hard losses but we had been through so many set backs in the 4 years of trying to grow our family all to come back with one more set back that there was no set time for it to end... I remember pleading with my Father in Heaven to help me feel the peace I needed to overcome this trial during a time of year where I struggle so much and most of all I remember not feeling an instant peace that I tend to think I should get because I want that and nothing more... I wasn’t angry, sad, happy, or anything really I was numb... I struggled for the next couple weeks as others were getting in the holiday spirit and I was feeling lost... I remember one night breaking down to Cole about why this time of year is unfair... I told him how I struggle because we should have our little Bird and Ember to shop for and start traditions with and they aren’t here and we aren’t expecting so my heart isn’t as happy and full like it should be... I struggle because I love my Savior so much but the pain that comes with hearing the Christmas stories about his birth break my heart because I long to be in the shoes his sweet mother Mary was in as she welcomed him into this earth... The first Christmas after we lost Bird and Ember I was asked to sing in church and I sang a song called First Lullaby/Silent night by Hilary Weeks and as I got to the part that says “Round yon virgin mother and child” my voice cracked and I started to cry because my heart broke as the image of Mary holding her newborn entered my mind... Thankfully I recovered and finished my song, but everyone in the ward just thought I was touched by the spirit as I sang such a spiritual song... They didn’t know the tears were flowing because my heart was breaking... Here we are two Christmases later and my heart is still breaking missing my sweet babes and longing for the ones we will hopefully get to have some day... Since that Christmas I have struggled with getting in the spirit, but this year with so many things not going as planned I have even more... I feel things slipping away as it has been two years since we lost Ember and almost three since we lost Bird... Sometime I feel like the poor mother in the movie “The Forgotten”... A dear friend said it perfectly to me as we talked about our sweet babes that we need to see strong “evidence” of our babies... She also sent me the worlds most cherished gift of two ornaments with Bird and Embers names on them, this sweet package came after so many tears had been shed and I felt myself feeling so dark because at times I do feel like I am the only one who connected with them and remembers they were here... I thank this sweet momma so much for remembering them and helping me remember that others love and remember them as well... I also thank her for helping me this was a changing point in my holiday spirit and her small gesture helped pull me out of the darkness and remember the light that comes with the season... I may not be able to focus on the birth of Christ without tears, but I can focus on the life of Christ and the light the world campaign and strive to live my life more like he did... As Christmas approaches this weekend please be mindful of those who are suffering and love them extra hard as Christ would... Pray for them, love them, and most of all don’t judge them if they are sad.... Instead sit with them, hold them, and allow them to feel through things the way they need too.... Christ mourned with those who mourned, and is a great example that we should do the same... I hope you all find peace this holiday and know our Savior is there for you he atoned not only for our sins, but our trials too he knows the pain we feel and he will help us through.... Happy Holidays everyone love you all and please be safe! 

We thought it was forever, but we learned it wasn't now

I have been MIA from social media the last little bit and I am sorry.... We have had so much going on and I feel it is now time to finally fill everybody else in... On June 23rd we were able to start our first round of IVF... I am so grateful for those who have helped support us and help us get to this point, your kindness, love, and prayers has been felt every step of the way! We went into this crazy processes with a lot of unknowns, but I knew if we turned it to God things would go exactly the way our little family needed them too... I was worried about all the hormones and my blood clotting disorder, but our doctors took precautions and the stimulation process went flawlessly. We had been warned the whole time most likely I would hyperstem due to my PCOS... On July 8th they retrieved 15 eggs which was a beautiful amount not to many not to little... a few days later they called to let us know 13 of the 15 had fertilized and because I had no signs of hypersteming we would proceed with a day 5 transfer... On July 13th we went down and got the report of our embryos we only had one ready for a transfer out of the 13 so we transferred number 6 and prayed that some would be ready to freeze the next day (it would be the last day they could be ready before not being able to be frozen).... Watching the miracle of our little sixlet being transferred was amazing the embryos are so tiny and they can survive amazing things... I started more shots l, got more bruises, and added to the hot flashes, but I knew it would be worth it.... The next day many prayers were answered we had 7 embryos ready to freeze... I seriously felt like nothing couldn't happen I was on top of the world! We had 1 little embryo waiting to implant and 7 frozen, what more could we ask for! During the next 3 weeks we prayed more and waited... I broke down and took a test the night before we did a blood test to see if we were pregnant... I got a very faint positive and thought it was an evaporating line... So I took 4 more the next day! All said pregnant... With our history I was scared everything about our cycle went flawlessly, there was no way it worked the first transfer to... I went down to my dr apt supper nervous that some how I had 5 false positives... I got my blood test back and they were positive for pregnancy, but lower than our dr wanted to see them... My heart sank... We were right back to where we were two years ago pregnant but with the cloud of for how long over our heads... Two days later retested and my levels had more than doubled... This went on for a week and then we did our first ultrasound... There was a perfect little sac and my levels were double every two days... There was hope! We had a week of waiting before we could see any details or hear a heartbeat so we went back to the waiting game, but with a little more hope this might all work out and this might be ok... We were out of town for the next week for work for me and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time I was with my friends who have helped me fight the last two years and surrounded me with love, hope, and belief! We talked about my pregnancy and I felt the sincerity of each of their love and prayers! I decided to not worry about the things I couldn't change and to live in the moment... We got home early Thursday morning and had a doctors appointment that afternoon... Before I went on for my ultrasound I said a silent prayer that I would have peace and feel my Father in Heavens love... As soon as my doctor found the sac I knew what was going on... The perfect round sac was completely empty... Having lost two before and knowing what a sac with a tiny little baby in it looked like, I knew there was no baby here, there wasn't a yoke sac to nourish a fetus and there was no tiny gummy bear inside that perfect circle... Over this process my dr and nurse have become close with us and I heard the sadness in his voice as he said I am sorry.... I told him it wasn't his fault and I had peace! I had comfort that this was all for a reason... I honestly can't tell you why, I know with Bird and Ember they needed to receive a body and that was it... I remember seeing them on the ultrasounds laying still in a not so perfectly round sac and knowing they had a bigger plan than I could see, but as I saw this empty sac and felt peace I couldn't explain, I couldn't tell you why this had to happen when with B&E I can without doubt... As I have plundered today I honestly think my Father in Heaven wants to test my obedience and faith... I was angry when we found out my levels were low and we might loose the baby I wanted to turn from him, but I knew that wasn't the answer... I feel as if he is trying me to see if I trust him... At first I didn't, but the peace I felt as I saw what was my dreams slipping away confirmed to me that he has me he is holding me through this trail until I can walk on my own again... The tears came tonight as I sat in my room alone and listened to the quiet and I decided it was time to share with all of you why I have been MIA... The next few weeks are going to be hard they are going to be a test of my emotions as we wait for my HCG to go for 7926 to 0... We will have a process of healing and letting my body get back to where it needs to be before we can start over with a frozen transfer... I am taking this time as an opportunity to focus on myself and what I need! I am going to take this as an opportunity to cleanse my body and prepare for our next opportunity to try to grow our family... When our doctor explained to us what was going on I was grateful to not feel anger, I was grateful that when he told us a blighted ovum can take time to pass naturally, that I could see that this was an opportunity instead of seeing this as a set back... I honestly couldn't have told you two years ago I was grateful for my trails, but today I can say that even though they are hard that I am grateful for the trails I have been given and that I have grown closer to my Father in Heaven and I have an awesome support system that has helped through some of my darkest times! We are not giving up hope this was a bump we had to go over not a mountain... I know this is part of something bigger than us and we have the faith that this trial will not define us! Please know that we feel your prayers and we appreciate them and I haven't forgotten the love and support all of you have given us! If you are hurting know you are not alone there is a tribe of warriors out there who love you and are fighting with you! I am so blessed that I have found mine and guess what they take in anyone and love them fiercely, reach out if you need! I hope all is well with each of you and I love you! 

5 Stages of Grief

We were driving home one night and the song let it go came on and I know how silly it will sound that it resonated with me... my silly husband often sings this song when I am mad and it normally makes me even more frustrated when he sings it, but tonight as it played in the car I had a different feeling! As I listen to the words I thought of our journey and everything we have been through and I realized that it is ok to embrace who you are and let go of the mask we all put on for others... Over the last two months I have been hurt by things out of my control... I have learned people are curl and they love to take stabs at others to make themselves feel better... I often find myself hiding behind a mask after I have been hurt and I am not true to myself, I shutdown and I protect myself by putting on a mask that I am ok... listening to the silly lyrics of a Disney song though I realized I need to let it go and throw away the mask I hide behind when I am hurt... It is ok to show my pain and hurt and it is ok to go through the stages of grief when things happen that are out of our hands... I started coping with things through sewing almost a year ago and it is amazing the therapy it has been for me to wrap others little ones in something I have made with such love and a lot of time tears knowing what I long for and have yet to have! I am so grateful for those who have supported our journey we have been so blessed... I hope each family that has received a Little Helm truly knows the love and emotion behind each stitch... I genuinely plan every stitch out every item from our Bird line has little bird feet stitched around the edges reminding me my little B is walking right beside me loving me as I go through this journey that feels never ending! Every piece from our Ember line is stitched with little mountains around the edges which represents our love for the outdoors and the many fires we have in the summer that reminded me that Em is the last bit of fire burning giving us hope and the strength to keep pushing forward... This journey has been exhausting but so rewarding at the same time... I have stumbled, but each time I come back stronger remembering the greater plan here... I have learned to be at peace during this process that there are things bigger than me and I have the ability to change only what is on me and leave the rest up to my loving Heavenly Father... I have learned it is ok to be in denial, at times I am in denial and I convince myself we are ok not having a family and other times I am denying that anything is wrong and both feelings are ok to express... I have learned it is ok be angry to yell and scream and ask why! It is ok to be mad when I don't agree with the doctor, it is ok to be angry when my body doesn't work the way it is supposed to... I have learned that sometimes I need to feel like I can bargain with my Father in Heaven even if it gets me nowhere it helps me to communicate with him. I feel like I am being heard if I at least get my say in what I want... I have embraced my ugly cry, yes that's a thing! I defiantly used to try to just hold it in and put that mask on to hid the pain now I just let it go.... I honestly needed to let the floodgates open and get all my pent up emotions out! That being said I have learned that it is ok to feel blue and be depressed and have time to hide away and process your emotions. It is even ok to veg out and watch movies all day... But most importantly I have learned acceptance I have learned all these stages are important and are needed, but eventually you have to come to the conclusion to let it go and accept what is to come... Please don't think this is my way of saying we are done because we aren't... We will keep trying and fighting for what we want... I am simply saying it is ok to cycle through the emotions I matter your trial and it is ok to not relax when people tell you oh just relax it will happen because every cycle we need to process what is happening and these stages are the normal way to get through hard things!   I have accepted that we are going to have to pay big bucks for us to have a family, I have accepted that we will have to wait longer than most couples, i have accepted that I may not always agree with my doctors, I have accepted that my body may not always work the way it should, I have accepted that others are going to have a family before me, I have accepted that this is hard, I have accepted people will say things they shouldn't, I have accepted that I can't save every child in a bad situation, and I have accepted I may have to grieve the loss of another child when we get pregnant again... Acceptance doesn't mean it gets easier or better I just means you know that it is how it is and it isn't in your hands to change it! I have also accepted that I am loved more than I can imagine by an amazing husband, an awesome family, and a very loving and forgiving Father in Heaven... I am letting it go and not hiding behind my mask because it is ok to not be perfect! 

There is no foot too small that is cannot leave an imprint on the world.....

I have started this blog a few times and I haven't been able to get anywhere with it.... My heart has been heavy as we have approached our two year mark..... Two years ago earlier this week we found out our little Bird wasn't going to be joining our family on this earth... It took my body a few days after we found out the baby had passed for my body to let go. I stayed home while Cole had some work out of town. My sweet sister came over and stayed with me waiting for the inevitable to happen.... Two years ago today I held my first baby in my hands, Bird's tiny little body had just started to form you could see a little head and two tiny little arms, little buds where the legs where forming and a tiny little tail where the spine would have eventually finish forming... I remember thinking how amazing it was that we start so small and develop to where we are. I remember being heart broken that Bird would never grow past this tiny little body on this earth.... I am so grateful that I was able to see Bird with my own eyes and know the reality of this baby was here and that I held my little one at least one time in my arms... I am grateful that I was able to naturally miscarry so that I could have that moment. I am grateful that my sister was there to hold me when my sweet husband couldn't be....  this journey has been a long hard one and we are still fighting for a family here on this earth....I overheard a mother at church the other day say that if she didn't have kids she would be skinny, have money and a clean house I smiled and cried  at the same time because no she wouldn't her money would be invested in exhausting all options to have a child of her own and her house would go by the way side as she had days where she stayed in bed crying in so much pain waiting for the day her arms would be full. She wouldn't necessarily be skinny because I fight like heck to loose the weight I gained with each miscarriage and fertility hormones... I know we all go through our own set of trials but we need to remember not to make light of things that may be breaking someone else. When I am hurting I often think of the song written by Charles Chapplin 

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Things in life aren't easy no matter where you are at... Trials will most likely keep coming and heartache is bound to happen, but I know each of us has the strength to get up and keep going.... I loved the lesson in church on Sunday it was about finding gratitude in all things I am grateful for the small reminders that things will be ok the hard parts will end and there will be joy we just have to look for it! When I look back on how painful loosing Bird was I am grateful that I got to hold my little one in my arms at least once.... A lot of moms who loose their babies as early as I did never get the opportunity to see their tiny little bodies, I wouldn't trade that for anything! The longer it has been the more I see the small things that make me feel more gratitude for everything we have been through... I am grateful that I have such amazing friends and family supporting me through all the good and the bad! I am so blessed to have the husband I do standing beside me and working hard with me to reach our end goal of having a family here on earth! Thanks for all your love and kind words! 

XoXo Kenz